Do I hafta' rely on them?

I'm taking a break from my job search grind. I just got exhausted. I'm trying to secure some part time work and it's driving me nuts. After staring at my inbox and all of the jobs I'd emailed to myself to follow up on, I just got overwhelmed. I hate relying on other people to give me a job. But...I just called this other program back that I'd gotten hired with a few months ago. I had to turn them down after a few days because my child care situation was all messed up. They told me if I resolved that to call them back and so I gave in...I did even though it was a hair less money than I wanted to work for, holding out is even more stressful right now. And I guess there are some positives:
1- it's only a couple of hours a day but will secure my rent at least
2- It leaves plenty of time to devote to my line
3-I won't be a slave to pumping
4-If I need to I can always find another part time gig to supplement if necessary
5-I'll have the same holiday schedule as Sunshine

...Okay, so maybe things are not so bad. Have I mentioned how much I despise writing cover letters???? Eeeew. Okay, I'm done really.

I'm sending out some packets to some other baby boutiques. Including girlshop.com. They have baby and women's and very cute stuff at that. I swear. ...Okay, first let me say, I know it probably seems like I'm complaining a lot lately but I'm not! Really! Kay? I'm just venting...there's a difference. So, like I was saying: I swear. Between the job grind, caring for the sunshine, maintaining my sanity, taking care of other grown up things like uh...I dunno BILLS and paperwork...is it me or do you aquire more paperwork the older you get? And making sure I don't slow down on my "marketing campaign" for the baby line and the production of product all while trying to keep worrying at bay...it's a little like riding a bike while juggling with a plate on your head.

Wow. Well, I don't think I have mush else to say and I'm a little anxious right now to hurry up continue by obligations. That will make me feel like I'm making progress too.

Thanks for listening...again.

U go sleepy! And other babble

...I should be sleeping. But what else is new. The only reason I stay up after the baby is because it's "my time". Now I think I've taken it too far. I fall asleep on the couch, wake up at 2am, feed the baby, she goes back to sleep, I go back to the couch thinking I'm going to finish x-files or ...something, fall asleep again, wake up at 4am, then go to bed. ...Only to wake up by 9 or 10am, only today we woke up at 11:45. That's not good. I have too many things to do to be doin that. And I couldn't believe the baby slept that long with me! Needless to say tonite was not so good. I think it threw off her afternoon nap and then she wouldn't finally go to sleep until about eleven tonite...she was a bit fussier than usual but then she just chilled and played in her crib. Maaan...

Yeah...it's probably safe to say I've officially reached a baby limit sort of. Obviously my options for "relief" are limited. But I will say that it's probably time to be a bit more proactive about creating some balance. I'm actually looking forward to working outside the home now. Soon I won't be able to socialize with adults! ...hell, I probably can't now! It's all wierd. I mean, if they don't coo and laugh at random things, demand that I feed them, change them or entertain them, god forbid they just wanna talk. Cause then oh, hey, uh....I can't communicate with the likes of you. I have to say, I think I've done pretty well being that I'm with baby 98% of the time. Okay, 99%...fuck it, 100% of the time. I would have expected that I'd have gone crazy much sooner but, I'm hangin on. And of course she's still precious, I mean jeez. It's funny what you can do when there's really no other option. I don't think I even paid attention to it until the pediatrician was like, "what about you?...are youuuu...okay?" After that she kind of alluded to the fact that because I was a single parent, that was a big deal --and it probably is however. Here comes the however which is, when you don't have any other option, you do what you must. There's no room for me to fall apart HOWEVA!...If there was some don't think I wouldn't take full advantage of it.

Tomorrow I have my "Strong Women" meeting. Can I just say I'm sooo looking forward to it moreso than I ever have? Just to socialize with some other women, get my free dinner that I don't have to cook and just chat. They offer free child care too but of course the little one is too young to go in there. But if she were????? Oh yeah...I'd be takin advantage of that too. Enough about that...

Today I kinda slacked on the resume action. I did finish editing the wedding pics in time for my photo partner to come and pick them up. He was impressed which was nice. I got one load of laundry done....I only told N.J. to go to her crate five times instead of five hundred...Oh! I did manage to make dinner that didn't come from a box again: "Chicken Fried" Portabella mushrooms and potatoes...but I got to tired to cook a vegetable...aaaaand um, I only ate two cookies instead of three. ...Oh and there was love. And the Sunshine of course. There.

Stay tuned for part two of this post titled: "Am I interesting anymore? Mmm, not so much".

Good nite...I mean Good day.

...Not so nice

Isn't it ironic that I just posted about how nice things were? Well, how quickly things change. Today things are... not so nice. Yesterday I had to get really ugly and dramatic with the baby daddy to say the least and I reeeeaally didn't wanna do it, however I felt I had no other choice. Without going into details, I don't regret what I did, but I just hate that I had to go "there" at all. Things are at place where I don't think my peaceful approaches are working. Or should I say haven't been for over a year. They just cause me more stress because I've swallowed a lot trying to kkep peace for parentings sake and that's old now. Apparently Ramadan starts today I think. I'm praying that he will have an epiphany during this time and be more focused. Perhaps he will understand my dissatisfaction with some of his recent behaviors and what i consider disrespect. ...Okay I'm probably asking too much...

On brighter note, there is still love, no icream, but there is Sunshine! That's good. I've got lots of work to do but i think the weather and my mindstate are slowing my progress a bit. I gotta shake it all off. Hopefully tomorrow will be better (c) Annie.

...Nice

Okay...first before I begin, can I point out that Julio Iglesias is singing, 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' on Dancing with the Stars??? ...Yeah. A little strange. ...Not horrible, just ...strange.

Lately, things are nice. Just nice. Granted they could always be better but for now, they're nice. Last week was the first time I hit one of the baby boutiques to see if they were interested in my line, and they were. The owner was so nice it was...nice! After she told me what she wanted to order, she loaded me up with all of this fabric she didn't need (nice stuff too), offered all kinds of ideas, mother stories....just nice. It was good. So yesterday I hit another baby boutique, and that was good too! She was interested more in consignment which was fine. Not my first choice but not bad either. She too was extremely nice. Maybe people in baby retail are sweeter than adult retail, I dunno. But we talked for a long time. ...Shared birth stories, --she also has a five month old. It made me feel good. After that I went and picked up the Sunshine and headed for home. And today? Well we stayed in but my greatest accomplishment of the day was cooking an entire meal! Ginger greens, yams, zucchini cornbread and beans and rice. AND Rasberry ice tea! When is the last time I did that? Geesh.

I also managed to research some other baby boutiques out of state and order shirts to begin my order for my first baby boutique. I've also taken on the task of trying to de-clutter my home. Pack away maternity wear, things like that. I'm not sure what else to say other than, it feels like some sense of balance is approaching and I'm thrilled about that. There is creativity, their is friendship, there is love, there is innocence and laughter, and there is always ice cream...what more do I need right now? Oh yeah, money.

...Eh. I'm gettin' to it, I'm gettin to it.

The Simple Things....

Obviously today is September 11th and honestly, I've chosen to not venture outside of BRAVO in regard to my television watching. I really don't want to watch any replays of planes hitting the towers or anything. It was so sad and depressing then, it was like living under a dark cloud for a while and I don't want to do that. I suppose I should be thankful I have that option because I'm sure many families of the vicitms wish they they did.

I didn't realize I hadn't posted in so long, I've been really busy. I've finally finished my marketing/press kit package for my baby line! Whew! That seems like it took forever. It was started before the baby came and I'm just now getting it done. This week the grind begins to some baby boutiques. I feel really good about things, but here's hopin' they are receptive. I'll keep you posted on that venture.

Yesterday my photog. partner and I shot our first wedding. I think it went really well, however it 's the first time I've encountered "photo hecklers". I know, you're probably like, "???" Yes, I said photo hecklers. People that have had too many drinks before the couple has even been introduced as Mr. and Mrs. and stand on the side lines heckling the couple while they try to pose for their wedding photos. Okay, it was kinda funny...for like three minutes. Then it just became annoying. The wedding was nice though, simple but very elegant. The bride was EXTREMELY calm which I thought was cool. My photog. partner was surprised to find out his father was the officiant at the wedding...that was wierd. We haven't even had a chance to debrief about that.

What was really special was that, for whatever reason, people kept talking to me about the bride, telling me what kind of person she was, etc. It was so sweet because as the photographer, you only get to spend that time with them in addition to meeting with them to discuss what they want, and what they got. Anywhoo, the hairdresser was talking to me about her, then when we were about to leave, her mother thanked us for our services. While she was commenting on how tired she was, she added that she was just happy it was over and that her daughter was happy.

"This is what she's wanted for as long as I can remember...to be a wife and a mother. People would always say, 'She's too smart to just want to be a wife and a mother' but I tell them, that's what she wants to be a - wife - and - a - mother. Yes, she is smart but she doesn't want to be an engineer, my baby wants to be a wife and a mother".

Now I'm sure one could start the debate on how a woman needs to have more than that. But that's not the point here. What was so beautiful to me was the acceptance from her mother. That was her baby, that's what she wanted to be and that was okay. As long as she was happy. It made me think about my own mom that still wants desperately for me to join the masses of corporate america. Who every week has a new job listing for some corporate job that has nothing to do with who I am, not to mention in a field that I probably have NO experience in. It drives her crazy that I don't wanna go climb up the corporate ladder. Eeeew.

When I was a kid, I got to the cook books as soon as I could follow instructions in an attempt to master the art of baking. My mom was so proud because I was really good to be so young! When I was six I pleaded with her to teach me how to iron, so she did. A little older, and learned to sew from my Step mom and thought the fact that she could decorate cakes was soo cool. That's what interested me, domestic affairs. And what's really wrong with that??? It's so sad that we live in a place that doesn't really value the roles of domestic engineers. It's serious work I'm sure. ...Excuse me, a serious career. And I'm happy for the bride! I really hope everything works out for her. After we meet about her pics, I'll probably never see her again but I'll be rooting for her silently because at least she followed her heart and never waivered as opposed to allowing others to "paint her picture" the way they felt it should look. And kudos to her mom as well for seeing who her daughter is and accepting her just like that.

Oh well, I'm glad I got a chance to chat...I must go return some equipment now. I was on my way until the Sunshine crashed and I didn't want to disturb her. Hope all is well with you guys!