"Oh, Behaaaave!"

Today was a good day.

....Did you say why?

Okay, I'll tell you why: Because I was quite mischievous! Not in a bad way, in a good way I think. You know, for some time now I've felt the need to reconnect with that Sunshine Mama that was bold, daring, fun! ...Not to mention confident, I think I spoke about this the other day. Anyway, today I did just that and it felt gooooooooooood! Talk about reclaiming your power and gathering up the pieces of yourself that are scattered all over the place or that others are holding hostage, I can't begin to express how empowering it felt. Crazy thing is, this one little action made a HUGE difference! I think it may have been 50% of my SELF was trapped in this crazy situation!!!! But today I changed all of that and it was a good move, not to mention a fun one. Yeeeeeah....she's back....and she's takin no prisoners! ...I think I shall call her FireMama....ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhh (insert Dr.Evil laugh here).

I guess I better run, I have to finish a skirt for a client and its 5a.m. I would promise a pic, but my digi cam is missing. My cat nap lasted much longer than was anticipated. Apparently I was a little tired. The last 24 hours have been a tad draining but exciting.

The Amnesia Chronicles: my secret

I was supposed to be going to bed until something made me click on my old blog. I mean OLD blog. I've had a blog since 2001 I believe. I was curious to see what was in it.
*Sigh....

All I can say is, life changes so quickly. And it's so crazy to read what "that girl" wrote like five or six years ago! For one, I was so different then. Two: LIFE was so different then. No baby, no dog, in-love!....I dunno. It was almost strange to read because it was like a completely different world than what I know now. ...HELL it IS a different world than what I know now.

For some time now I've felt like somewhere along the way I lost a major piece of myself. I've never shared this with anyone. This may sound strange but in that piece existed memories, experiences, knowledge and "some other" kind of confidence. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm trippin and it's all in my head. That because I make it an issue, I "think" I feel the effects. When I went back and started reading my journals from age 15-26, it was only confirmation that some other self existed. I feel like an amnesia patient sometimes. I was reading about my own life as though it were someone else's! I was constantly saying, "When did that happen?" "I did that?" ....Shit, I haven't smoked that much damnit. Maybe when things got too stressful it was a coping method to try and move on. ...To just forget about it. ?

[*Sigh #2] I don't know what to do about it but in many ways I want that old girl back. It doesn't mean I've not accepted the new one (uh...whomever she is). I guess what I'm saying is there are parts of her that I need now but feel like I've lost and am not even sure how to connect with or reawaken if I wanted to!

[*sigh#3] Woe is me.
Perhaps I need to officially grieve for what is no longer and truly begin to paint the new picture that will be my life. I thought I had done both, but perhaps it was not as effective as I thought it was.

Who in f*** do you call in situations like these?!

Blogger is getting on my nerves now. I'm sorry I just posted your comments guys. For some reason my re-route did not work!!! The little changes they are making are becoming more trouble than they are worth. HELP!

...But I am glad you're all hangin in there!