The Amnesia Chronicles: my secret
I was supposed to be going to bed until something made me click on my old blog. I mean OLD blog. I've had a blog since 2001 I believe. I was curious to see what was in it.
*Sigh....
All I can say is, life changes so quickly. And it's so crazy to read what "that girl" wrote like five or six years ago! For one, I was so different then. Two: LIFE was so different then. No baby, no dog, in-love!....I dunno. It was almost strange to read because it was like a completely different world than what I know now. ...HELL it IS a different world than what I know now.
For some time now I've felt like somewhere along the way I lost a major piece of myself. I've never shared this with anyone. This may sound strange but in that piece existed memories, experiences, knowledge and "some other" kind of confidence. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm trippin and it's all in my head. That because I make it an issue, I "think" I feel the effects. When I went back and started reading my journals from age 15-26, it was only confirmation that some other self existed. I feel like an amnesia patient sometimes. I was reading about my own life as though it were someone else's! I was constantly saying, "When did that happen?" "I did that?" ....Shit, I haven't smoked that much damnit. Maybe when things got too stressful it was a coping method to try and move on. ...To just forget about it. ?
[*Sigh #2] I don't know what to do about it but in many ways I want that old girl back. It doesn't mean I've not accepted the new one (uh...whomever she is). I guess what I'm saying is there are parts of her that I need now but feel like I've lost and am not even sure how to connect with or reawaken if I wanted to!
[*sigh#3] Woe is me.
Perhaps I need to officially grieve for what is no longer and truly begin to paint the new picture that will be my life. I thought I had done both, but perhaps it was not as effective as I thought it was.
Who in f*** do you call in situations like these?!
*Sigh....
All I can say is, life changes so quickly. And it's so crazy to read what "that girl" wrote like five or six years ago! For one, I was so different then. Two: LIFE was so different then. No baby, no dog, in-love!....I dunno. It was almost strange to read because it was like a completely different world than what I know now. ...HELL it IS a different world than what I know now.
For some time now I've felt like somewhere along the way I lost a major piece of myself. I've never shared this with anyone. This may sound strange but in that piece existed memories, experiences, knowledge and "some other" kind of confidence. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm trippin and it's all in my head. That because I make it an issue, I "think" I feel the effects. When I went back and started reading my journals from age 15-26, it was only confirmation that some other self existed. I feel like an amnesia patient sometimes. I was reading about my own life as though it were someone else's! I was constantly saying, "When did that happen?" "I did that?" ....Shit, I haven't smoked that much damnit. Maybe when things got too stressful it was a coping method to try and move on. ...To just forget about it. ?
[*Sigh #2] I don't know what to do about it but in many ways I want that old girl back. It doesn't mean I've not accepted the new one (uh...whomever she is). I guess what I'm saying is there are parts of her that I need now but feel like I've lost and am not even sure how to connect with or reawaken if I wanted to!
[*sigh#3] Woe is me.
Perhaps I need to officially grieve for what is no longer and truly begin to paint the new picture that will be my life. I thought I had done both, but perhaps it was not as effective as I thought it was.
Who in f*** do you call in situations like these?!
posted by SunshineMama at 1:50 AM
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