Pappaaaa can you hear meeeee?

So.....
How are you guys doin? Good? Good.
Things are very uneventful here. I have mixed feelings about that but anyway.

I've just been working, mothering, dog-parenting...
I invested in some new plants: a mint plant and a sage plant. One I bought in memory of my neighbor that passed. I thought that would be a good idea to buy a plant shortly after her memorial. If you didn't know, I have an obsession with naming "objects" . My couch Sadie, my big plant, Sanchez. I'm having a hard time naming my new ones. My usual strategy is to ask them what they'd like to be called and wait until I think something comes that feels right. ...nothing has come.

This weekend will be the first time I've traveled with the baby. I'm trying NOT to have anxiety about it. Let's hope all goes well. It's a relatively short flight and hopefully a painless one.

Things are really different right now. Quiet and...just strange.
I thought I was back to my pre-pregnancy self but lately I have many days where I'm left to question that in terms of who I am, am I the same person, what do I look like now standing outside of myself? At one time I felt like I could answer that question. Or maybe I never cared. Maybe I think too much and I can't just "be". One thing is for certain: I'm getting tired of wrestling with it.

Who knows...
And I haven't felt very pro-active lately about figuring it out because no sooner than I think I know, the reality sets in again: I don't know! I'm a mess. And I don't wanna be a mess anymore.

I thought I had so much more to share but I guess not. I am at work though.... maybe I'll have more later.

I remembered!

Check this out, I think my little magical baby astral traveled the other week. Are you familiar with astral travel? If not, you can go here but in the meantime, it's like when you leave your body in the dream state. Forwards in time, back in time, present time, it's deep. I've not mastered it and have only been fortunate enough to experience a few times.

Why do I think she did?

The other nite I was sleeping (as was she in HER crib in HER room). While I was sleeping, she ran into the room giggling and laughing. I was puzzled and couldn't move or open my eyes because my first thought was, "How did you get out of your crib?! What your doing in here?!" As soon as I would say/think that or want to get up and do something about it, she'd run back into her room laughing and then do the same thing again a few minutes later. Again I'd question, I'd want to move but couldn't and she'd run back in. Once I'd even swear that she jumped on my bed! It was crazy. I also think my "spirit boyfriend" came through that nite. That's another story. Actually, it's not major. But it's the second time I've sworn that someone was lying in the bed right next to me because I could feel the dip in the bed from another persons body weight and the energy. But I refused to open my eyes (for the second time) I wasn't ready.

For me, one of the signs of experiencing astral travel is that my mind is clear that I am asleep and can think as though I were awake and I'm always puzzled that I don't have the same control that I normally would in my waking life. For instance not being able to move or get up and grab the baby...

For those of you that have one eyebrow raised right now, there is absolutely no way Sunshine could have gotten out of her crib, she's only 14 months old. When I did awake, there she was, safe and sound. Another side affect if I am the one traveling is that when i do wake up, my body is extremely heavy and my body is tired. I had to wake Sunshine that morning. Normally she'll get up on her own but I think she experienced the same. ...Hm.

If any of you have more experience on astral travel and have experienced either a "spirit boyfriend" or your little magical baby doing some thing ...could you share please?

I'm a little irritated....restless. Not sure why but I could probably guess on about three or five reasons why. That was a great way to begin my blog 'eh? I'll bet your interested now. Hm?

Okay so, I'm having this little dilemma with myself that's been going on for a while. Everyone keeps saying that I need to get a MySpace page. ...That I would be a fool not to even! That you meet so many people, that it's a great networking tool, that it makes all the difference in being a starving artist and a working one. The problem is, I DON'T WANNA BE A PART OF THE MYSPACE THING! I'm not sure how accessible I wanna be to people! Grrr. But I kinda wanna do it --then I don't. Hell I dunno! Can any of you weigh in on this? Oh please, I know you all are probably already myspace veterans. I'm the only person in the world without a page at this point. I'll figure something out.

My baby is growing growing growing and talking my ears off! I swear everyday I pick her up from Day Care her annunciation gets better and better. It's so crazy! But she's so precious. Oh and so far Pops prostate surgery went well, I'm trying to improve my relationship with Nyeena Jenkins because I've been hostile toward her lately, I hate this apartment and can't wait for my lease to be up, I wanna cook for someone, I'm tired, it's late and there's no ice-cream --DAMN!

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Today I found out one of my old neighbors died.

After my parents divorce we moved in the house directly across the street from her. Betty was white, her husband Troy was black and what I considered at the time to be true "Soul Brotha #1!". Betty was a nurse and a really hard worker. Troy was a truck driver. She was a farm girl from Nebraska. Very plain and simple...no frills. She never wore make-up and was never really fashion conscious. She always wore a pair of shorts with blue t-shirt that two scrambled eggs strategically placed right on the boobs. She was her family historian. Most importantly? She was the eyes and ears of the neighborhood. Not in an intrusive way, it was good. Nothing got passed her. Often times I think about how we don't have neighbors like her anymore and we need them! Me and my other neighbor friend Traci would often hang out at her house either together or alone as if she was one of the kids although there was nothing child like about her. Her home didn't have any toys or movies for kids or cable, nothin. But we still went, just to enjoy her company I guess. They had two HUGE dogs or what seemed huge at the time, we were small: Tippy and Smokey. Sometimes we'd just go over there to play with her dogs. Every dog in the neighborhood adored Betty for some reason. They never ran away, they ran over there.

When I think back I always remember her smiling, laughing. ALWAYS! I never remember being in a space where she didn't have that to give and if she ever was, we never saw her in that space. She was information central in terms of neighborhood gossip, she knew everything from one end of the block to the other and it was a big block. I'm still not quite sure how or why everyone brought the info to her, but they did. I imagine because she had a very neutral energy about her. Even though everyone got along pretty well on the block, there were some people that certainly had their issues or chose not to engage with others. But not Betty. Everyone seemed to feel safe with her.

She and Troy struck me as an unlikely couple from the age of six when we first moved in. They never acted like a couple, just good friends. There was only one professional photo of them ever taken in her home. You could tell she took care of everything. Troy only had to be Troy but I think he was grateful to her for that. I never knew them to argue or fight about anything.

She came out to photograph every prom or continuation or special event right along with the parents. She was our neighbor until I was about 14 which is when we moved to NC. We came back three years later to the same neighborhood but of course not to the same house, but some blocks away. So time goes by, my sisters and I got older. People move away and begin families we became more disconnected although she still kept in touch with my mom. Within the last year Betty was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Cancer. The progression was relatively quick. She had spent the last 3-4months in the hospital. Lately I kept thinking about how I should go with my mom to see her but I knew I wasn't really ready to see her in that state. It had been on my mind for a long time that I should take the baby to see her, that perhaps it would add something to her day. ...That if it were me, I would want that. Not to become the "forgotten neighbor". I thought about how I really needed to do better in terms of keeping in touch and that I needed to get over my piddly issues.

The other nite I had a dream that I finally went to see her, Sunshine in tow. It was a good visit. When i woke up, I wondered if the dream meant anything more than what it appeared to be. I concluded it didn't, except that I knew for sure I really needed to go see her. That was the feeling I woke up with is, "Quit trippin. You must go to see her". I decided then I'd go the next time mom went.

This evening Traci called me to say that Betty passed. So then I was handed the responsibility of informing my mother which I knew was not going to be good.

"What's Pa gonna do?!!!" (Betty and Troy referred to themselves as Ma & Pa)

That's the million dollar question. I think he depended on her heavily. I told her that was crazy and that I'd had that dream and when I had it. "That's the nite she passed! --Awww Holly, she was saying good-bye!"

Wow. I knew she was right. I still felt kind of bad that I hadn't gone to see her but at the same time, I felt as though she knew my intentions and that we were able to remedy them in the dream realm.

So this is for Betty. A woman we all considered to be a true gem. A protector of children and genuinely open-hearted person. Lover of animals and family and most importantly a friend to everyone. Your energy and love will truly be missed but your laughter and your smile forever embedded in my mind.

Betty Joan Walker-Ruff

January 7, 1943-June 7, 2007