"Oh, Behaaaave!"

Today was a good day.

....Did you say why?

Okay, I'll tell you why: Because I was quite mischievous! Not in a bad way, in a good way I think. You know, for some time now I've felt the need to reconnect with that Sunshine Mama that was bold, daring, fun! ...Not to mention confident, I think I spoke about this the other day. Anyway, today I did just that and it felt gooooooooooood! Talk about reclaiming your power and gathering up the pieces of yourself that are scattered all over the place or that others are holding hostage, I can't begin to express how empowering it felt. Crazy thing is, this one little action made a HUGE difference! I think it may have been 50% of my SELF was trapped in this crazy situation!!!! But today I changed all of that and it was a good move, not to mention a fun one. Yeeeeeah....she's back....and she's takin no prisoners! ...I think I shall call her FireMama....ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhh (insert Dr.Evil laugh here).

I guess I better run, I have to finish a skirt for a client and its 5a.m. I would promise a pic, but my digi cam is missing. My cat nap lasted much longer than was anticipated. Apparently I was a little tired. The last 24 hours have been a tad draining but exciting.

The Amnesia Chronicles: my secret

I was supposed to be going to bed until something made me click on my old blog. I mean OLD blog. I've had a blog since 2001 I believe. I was curious to see what was in it.
*Sigh....

All I can say is, life changes so quickly. And it's so crazy to read what "that girl" wrote like five or six years ago! For one, I was so different then. Two: LIFE was so different then. No baby, no dog, in-love!....I dunno. It was almost strange to read because it was like a completely different world than what I know now. ...HELL it IS a different world than what I know now.

For some time now I've felt like somewhere along the way I lost a major piece of myself. I've never shared this with anyone. This may sound strange but in that piece existed memories, experiences, knowledge and "some other" kind of confidence. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm trippin and it's all in my head. That because I make it an issue, I "think" I feel the effects. When I went back and started reading my journals from age 15-26, it was only confirmation that some other self existed. I feel like an amnesia patient sometimes. I was reading about my own life as though it were someone else's! I was constantly saying, "When did that happen?" "I did that?" ....Shit, I haven't smoked that much damnit. Maybe when things got too stressful it was a coping method to try and move on. ...To just forget about it. ?

[*Sigh #2] I don't know what to do about it but in many ways I want that old girl back. It doesn't mean I've not accepted the new one (uh...whomever she is). I guess what I'm saying is there are parts of her that I need now but feel like I've lost and am not even sure how to connect with or reawaken if I wanted to!

[*sigh#3] Woe is me.
Perhaps I need to officially grieve for what is no longer and truly begin to paint the new picture that will be my life. I thought I had done both, but perhaps it was not as effective as I thought it was.

Who in f*** do you call in situations like these?!

Blogger is getting on my nerves now. I'm sorry I just posted your comments guys. For some reason my re-route did not work!!! The little changes they are making are becoming more trouble than they are worth. HELP!

...But I am glad you're all hangin in there!

Back on the Blog!

Hey!

Here I go!

I'm right here!

So, hopefully none of you have tried to post comments to any of those old posts in the last month or two, I haven't had access to that account and had to change the info so please don't take it personal if your comment didn't show up. But it's all taken care of.

Lots of changes going on. To sum it up, (because sunshine is napping and I'm trying to do this, read and watch Brown Suga before she wakes) I'm obsessed with Feng Shui now, it has changed my life!

I recently found all of my old journals from the age of 15 to 26...GOLDMINE! As well as every letter that anyone I've ever known has ever written me. It's a bit strange but so therapeutic. Almost like time travel and collecting the pieces of yourself that somewhere along the way you've left behind. I really think I needed that. Hell, I know I needed it. I will say it is inspiring me to get back being more dilligent about journaling on paper.

I'm changing jobs, I think some things are really about the kick into gear. The attorney gig was aw-ight for a while but he was a bit obsessive...I know, it got crazy! We clashed all the time in terms of work around the legal work (he didn't want to SHOW me how to do anything and confessed to not wanting to TRAIN anyone --can you imagine? That's the dumbest shit ever!) but I think it was for the best. We got along great in terms of the PR work but I also didn't need his help for that, I could be more self directed.

The Sunshine is growing like mad! Her vocabulary is very impressive! She's still working on annunciation but Momma Knows what she's saying.

Things are just good....great I guess. I will touch base soon in more detail. But for now I must get back to my journal, I'm currently in 1996. Whoa! Until then friends, go get this book so that I don't have to get on my soap box and start testifyin' about it. My friends are getting so sick of it and are beginning to think I'm reaping commissions from book sales.

Since my comments are routed correctly now...how are you?

Pappaaaa can you hear meeeee?

So.....
How are you guys doin? Good? Good.
Things are very uneventful here. I have mixed feelings about that but anyway.

I've just been working, mothering, dog-parenting...
I invested in some new plants: a mint plant and a sage plant. One I bought in memory of my neighbor that passed. I thought that would be a good idea to buy a plant shortly after her memorial. If you didn't know, I have an obsession with naming "objects" . My couch Sadie, my big plant, Sanchez. I'm having a hard time naming my new ones. My usual strategy is to ask them what they'd like to be called and wait until I think something comes that feels right. ...nothing has come.

This weekend will be the first time I've traveled with the baby. I'm trying NOT to have anxiety about it. Let's hope all goes well. It's a relatively short flight and hopefully a painless one.

Things are really different right now. Quiet and...just strange.
I thought I was back to my pre-pregnancy self but lately I have many days where I'm left to question that in terms of who I am, am I the same person, what do I look like now standing outside of myself? At one time I felt like I could answer that question. Or maybe I never cared. Maybe I think too much and I can't just "be". One thing is for certain: I'm getting tired of wrestling with it.

Who knows...
And I haven't felt very pro-active lately about figuring it out because no sooner than I think I know, the reality sets in again: I don't know! I'm a mess. And I don't wanna be a mess anymore.

I thought I had so much more to share but I guess not. I am at work though.... maybe I'll have more later.

I remembered!

Check this out, I think my little magical baby astral traveled the other week. Are you familiar with astral travel? If not, you can go here but in the meantime, it's like when you leave your body in the dream state. Forwards in time, back in time, present time, it's deep. I've not mastered it and have only been fortunate enough to experience a few times.

Why do I think she did?

The other nite I was sleeping (as was she in HER crib in HER room). While I was sleeping, she ran into the room giggling and laughing. I was puzzled and couldn't move or open my eyes because my first thought was, "How did you get out of your crib?! What your doing in here?!" As soon as I would say/think that or want to get up and do something about it, she'd run back into her room laughing and then do the same thing again a few minutes later. Again I'd question, I'd want to move but couldn't and she'd run back in. Once I'd even swear that she jumped on my bed! It was crazy. I also think my "spirit boyfriend" came through that nite. That's another story. Actually, it's not major. But it's the second time I've sworn that someone was lying in the bed right next to me because I could feel the dip in the bed from another persons body weight and the energy. But I refused to open my eyes (for the second time) I wasn't ready.

For me, one of the signs of experiencing astral travel is that my mind is clear that I am asleep and can think as though I were awake and I'm always puzzled that I don't have the same control that I normally would in my waking life. For instance not being able to move or get up and grab the baby...

For those of you that have one eyebrow raised right now, there is absolutely no way Sunshine could have gotten out of her crib, she's only 14 months old. When I did awake, there she was, safe and sound. Another side affect if I am the one traveling is that when i do wake up, my body is extremely heavy and my body is tired. I had to wake Sunshine that morning. Normally she'll get up on her own but I think she experienced the same. ...Hm.

If any of you have more experience on astral travel and have experienced either a "spirit boyfriend" or your little magical baby doing some thing ...could you share please?

I'm a little irritated....restless. Not sure why but I could probably guess on about three or five reasons why. That was a great way to begin my blog 'eh? I'll bet your interested now. Hm?

Okay so, I'm having this little dilemma with myself that's been going on for a while. Everyone keeps saying that I need to get a MySpace page. ...That I would be a fool not to even! That you meet so many people, that it's a great networking tool, that it makes all the difference in being a starving artist and a working one. The problem is, I DON'T WANNA BE A PART OF THE MYSPACE THING! I'm not sure how accessible I wanna be to people! Grrr. But I kinda wanna do it --then I don't. Hell I dunno! Can any of you weigh in on this? Oh please, I know you all are probably already myspace veterans. I'm the only person in the world without a page at this point. I'll figure something out.

My baby is growing growing growing and talking my ears off! I swear everyday I pick her up from Day Care her annunciation gets better and better. It's so crazy! But she's so precious. Oh and so far Pops prostate surgery went well, I'm trying to improve my relationship with Nyeena Jenkins because I've been hostile toward her lately, I hate this apartment and can't wait for my lease to be up, I wanna cook for someone, I'm tired, it's late and there's no ice-cream --DAMN!

---

Today I found out one of my old neighbors died.

After my parents divorce we moved in the house directly across the street from her. Betty was white, her husband Troy was black and what I considered at the time to be true "Soul Brotha #1!". Betty was a nurse and a really hard worker. Troy was a truck driver. She was a farm girl from Nebraska. Very plain and simple...no frills. She never wore make-up and was never really fashion conscious. She always wore a pair of shorts with blue t-shirt that two scrambled eggs strategically placed right on the boobs. She was her family historian. Most importantly? She was the eyes and ears of the neighborhood. Not in an intrusive way, it was good. Nothing got passed her. Often times I think about how we don't have neighbors like her anymore and we need them! Me and my other neighbor friend Traci would often hang out at her house either together or alone as if she was one of the kids although there was nothing child like about her. Her home didn't have any toys or movies for kids or cable, nothin. But we still went, just to enjoy her company I guess. They had two HUGE dogs or what seemed huge at the time, we were small: Tippy and Smokey. Sometimes we'd just go over there to play with her dogs. Every dog in the neighborhood adored Betty for some reason. They never ran away, they ran over there.

When I think back I always remember her smiling, laughing. ALWAYS! I never remember being in a space where she didn't have that to give and if she ever was, we never saw her in that space. She was information central in terms of neighborhood gossip, she knew everything from one end of the block to the other and it was a big block. I'm still not quite sure how or why everyone brought the info to her, but they did. I imagine because she had a very neutral energy about her. Even though everyone got along pretty well on the block, there were some people that certainly had their issues or chose not to engage with others. But not Betty. Everyone seemed to feel safe with her.

She and Troy struck me as an unlikely couple from the age of six when we first moved in. They never acted like a couple, just good friends. There was only one professional photo of them ever taken in her home. You could tell she took care of everything. Troy only had to be Troy but I think he was grateful to her for that. I never knew them to argue or fight about anything.

She came out to photograph every prom or continuation or special event right along with the parents. She was our neighbor until I was about 14 which is when we moved to NC. We came back three years later to the same neighborhood but of course not to the same house, but some blocks away. So time goes by, my sisters and I got older. People move away and begin families we became more disconnected although she still kept in touch with my mom. Within the last year Betty was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Cancer. The progression was relatively quick. She had spent the last 3-4months in the hospital. Lately I kept thinking about how I should go with my mom to see her but I knew I wasn't really ready to see her in that state. It had been on my mind for a long time that I should take the baby to see her, that perhaps it would add something to her day. ...That if it were me, I would want that. Not to become the "forgotten neighbor". I thought about how I really needed to do better in terms of keeping in touch and that I needed to get over my piddly issues.

The other nite I had a dream that I finally went to see her, Sunshine in tow. It was a good visit. When i woke up, I wondered if the dream meant anything more than what it appeared to be. I concluded it didn't, except that I knew for sure I really needed to go see her. That was the feeling I woke up with is, "Quit trippin. You must go to see her". I decided then I'd go the next time mom went.

This evening Traci called me to say that Betty passed. So then I was handed the responsibility of informing my mother which I knew was not going to be good.

"What's Pa gonna do?!!!" (Betty and Troy referred to themselves as Ma & Pa)

That's the million dollar question. I think he depended on her heavily. I told her that was crazy and that I'd had that dream and when I had it. "That's the nite she passed! --Awww Holly, she was saying good-bye!"

Wow. I knew she was right. I still felt kind of bad that I hadn't gone to see her but at the same time, I felt as though she knew my intentions and that we were able to remedy them in the dream realm.

So this is for Betty. A woman we all considered to be a true gem. A protector of children and genuinely open-hearted person. Lover of animals and family and most importantly a friend to everyone. Your energy and love will truly be missed but your laughter and your smile forever embedded in my mind.

Betty Joan Walker-Ruff

January 7, 1943-June 7, 2007

Aw Poo

Ever notice how goofy my blog titles are? Yeah, they're goofy. Know why? Because I hate them! I hate having to give my blog a title. I'm not that organized to title it before I start. ...I know some of you are saying, "Then why do you? Title it after you written your post dunder head". The answer is, because I can't. I don't think like that. Granted I'm not organized but when it's the first thing I see, I have this thing where I must fill things out in the order in which they are presented. ...Title box is first, gotta fill it out first. ...Enough about that. But from this day forward I'm not title-ing anymore unless I feel compelled to. Otherwise, if I don't wanna, I'm not gonna. How bout that. It 's about what I want right?!

Yeah, it's late. I'm crazy. It's 1:50am to be exact. Why am I up? I was on my was to meet the Sandman at a decent hour and then the phone rang. LIke a dummy I answered it, held a conversation and now? My friend is in dreamland while I am here on the computer like an insomniac trying to come up with new and different ways to get Mr. Sandman to come "pick me up". Anywhoo...

So I spoke with my Dad. Since his diagnosis I'd been doing some research on this wholistic healing website. It's got some amazing information on it. While I was collecting all of this info, I worried that my dad wouldn't be receptive to it. Although he is a full time attorney, he is also a pastor and sometimes religious people get real funny about wholistic healing and spirituality. WHen we spoke he told me he started using his juicer. I was siked! I didn't even know he had one and apparently he didn't either. He was even juicing green vegetables I was impressed! We ended up having a long conversation about herbs, he whipped out his herbal healing book (whoa) and I whipped out my herbal encyclopedia and we compared notes. --Unexpected. He mentioned some tea called essiac tea that is supposed to be good for treating cancer. Where he lives they don't have a whole foods or wild oats. So today I made a point to see if I could find it and sure enough, I did. So I'm sending him that and some flaxseed oil, I think I'll throw in some other herbal stuff too. I sent him a text telling him I found it and would send it. He was excited and asked how much he owed me. I told him nothing, just a positive attitude and an open mind which he already seemed to have. So as far as i was concerned it was paid. I'm so impressed by him already. He actually seems more vibrant than he did pre-diagnosis. That's great.

He was pretty supportive during my pregnancy and once the baby came too. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting that. Family...you just never know. In the meantime, my sister that's married to the gay-cop has joined weightwatchers, WTF? I would post her picture up here but I guess that wouldn't be right. Plus I don't have any pics of this body that she feels needs to shed a few pounds. If you saw it, you'd think weightwatchers was a bit extreme.

The event I had to vend at this weekend was a BUST. Boo. But shit happends I guess.

That's about it. Sunshine is in love with the word no so much she says it in her sleep. No exaggeration. It's the first thing she says until I call her name as I'm on my way in her room and then it's "NaNa? NaNa?" I've been thinking about having another baby a lot lately. No, there are no prospects. I've kept to myself for quite some time now. I think the BD now gets a kick out of pissing me off. He calls and makes ridiculous requests like, "Why don't you make me some dinner?" Mm hm. ...That's what I said too girl. It's like setting fire to a firecracker and I start running down the list of "Why don't you's MF!" But I've stopped giving him my energy. (..No applause please, no please) Now I just meet him with a very dry, "No". Some people, dont even get me started.

I think that's my update for now. I was hoping at this point I'd be feeling some fatique but uh...nothin yet. Oh wait! I have to tell you guys about the "Moon in My Room"! It was one my Target addiction purchases but it's so cool. National Geographic makes toys now and this moon hangs on the wall, it has a remote control and when you push it, it goes through the moon cycles on its own. How cool is that? In a month or two I'm going to show Sunshine the remote. I think she'll have it figured out by then and she's going to have a blast with it. You know, I basically gave up my room to her until we move into our LARGE THREE BEDROOM HOME WITH A YARD FOR NJ AND A GARDEN (insert law of attraction here). But once we do, you can forget it. That kid is going to have everything in there. I'd be kidding myself if I tried to say otherwise. Next target purchase? The baby leather recliner chair. It's so cute and its only like $50 bucks! I was prepared to spend about $30 for baby living room kinda chair but when I saw that one, I figured I'd hold out another paycheck or two and get the one I really want! (Notice, "I really want")

Here's the picture of "the moon in my room". I couldn't find the chair...

Shame on me...again.

I've been a terrible blogger.

Much has happened and although I never post everyday, I've let many important things go by.

My birthday for one! Another year older, and hopefully wiser.

But more important than mine, Patient-Sunshine celebrated her one year birthday during my blog silence.

For her birthday, she and I went to a little Jazz Concert at this coffee shop. She really liked it. If I've not mentioned it before she loves music as I'm sure most kids do. But reeeeally loves it. So for her to see the person in front of her singing was like "wow!" She tried her best to mimic the vocalist and repeat her song when she'd pause. The audience got a kick out of that and it was quite precious and she really paid attention.

My Dad's been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although I've known for a while now, I'm still not sure how to feel about it. His spirits are really good and I'm hoping that counts for A LOT! He's scheduled for surgery soon.

Work has been incredibly busy and I'm simply exhausted. I'm up because I'm supposed to be preparing for an event I have on Saturday but as you can see, I'm not. Other than that, I suppose I have no complaints. Things are good and life is moving along. Since I'm so behind, I owe this to my little one. I meant to do it almost a month ago. I found it in my journal written March 28, 2007. One day before my birthday and exactly 8 days before I would be blessed with her presence. She has changed my life in so many ways. After I read this I just felt so.....so....I dunno. This post is also for those of you that were so supportive to me during my time of pregnancy and hormone insanity. You know who you are. Your blog presence and willingness to read my ramblings made all the difference in the world. So here it goes:

For Patient-Sunshine

Dear Patient-Sunshine,

It's almost time!!!

We are in the final days before you make your entrance and we finally meet face to face. Our time together building that womb connection has been interesting, and special. I'm going to miss feeling you inside my belly, wondering what your doing, what you look like, what you are hearing...but I'm sure it won't compare to actually seeing your face and bridging that gap.

I believe the look you gave me in the dream, that "We are going to have so much fun together" look, was accurate. I'm looking forward to all I have to learn from you. The getting tired but being okay with it. Wanting desperately to go to sleep but being so excited to see your face the next morning. Wanting someone to babysit but not wanting to let you out of my sight. You and I have made it through a rough time already. You are already such an inspiration to me.

I just wanted to say that I love you, I'm excited to meet you and that words cannot express how amped I am for this experience although I know it may not always be easy. I hope that I can provide you with all that you need. Already I am honored that you selected me to be your mother.

With the utmost love, anticipation and respect,

Your Mommy

"Sunshine Momma"