...In divine order

"Oh, Behaaaave!"

2007-08-30T03:41:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day.

....Did you say why?

Okay, I'll tell you why: Because I was quite mischievous! Not in a bad way, in a good way I think. You know, for some time now I've felt the need to reconnect with that Sunshine Mama that was bold, daring, fun! ...Not to mention confident, I think I spoke about this the other day. Anyway, today I did just that and it felt gooooooooooood! Talk about reclaiming your power and gathering up the pieces of yourself that are scattered all over the place or that others are holding hostage, I can't begin to express how empowering it felt. Crazy thing is, this one little action made a HUGE difference! I think it may have been 50% of my SELF was trapped in this crazy situation!!!! But today I changed all of that and it was a good move, not to mention a fun one. Yeeeeeah....she's back....and she's takin no prisoners! ...I think I shall call her FireMama....ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhhhh (insert Dr.Evil laugh here).

I guess I better run, I have to finish a skirt for a client and its 5a.m. I would promise a pic, but my digi cam is missing. My cat nap lasted much longer than was anticipated. Apparently I was a little tired. The last 24 hours have been a tad draining but exciting.

The Amnesia Chronicles: my secret

2007-08-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be going to bed until something made me click on my old blog. I mean OLD blog. I've had a blog since 2001 I believe. I was curious to see what was in it.
*Sigh....

All I can say is, life changes so quickly. And it's so crazy to read what "that girl" wrote like five or six years ago! For one, I was so different then. Two: LIFE was so different then. No baby, no dog, in-love!....I dunno. It was almost strange to read because it was like a completely different world than what I know now. ...HELL it IS a different world than what I know now.

For some time now I've felt like somewhere along the way I lost a major piece of myself. I've never shared this with anyone. This may sound strange but in that piece existed memories, experiences, knowledge and "some other" kind of confidence. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm trippin and it's all in my head. That because I make it an issue, I "think" I feel the effects. When I went back and started reading my journals from age 15-26, it was only confirmation that some other self existed. I feel like an amnesia patient sometimes. I was reading about my own life as though it were someone else's! I was constantly saying, "When did that happen?" "I did that?" ....Shit, I haven't smoked that much damnit. Maybe when things got too stressful it was a coping method to try and move on. ...To just forget about it. ?

[*Sigh #2] I don't know what to do about it but in many ways I want that old girl back. It doesn't mean I've not accepted the new one (uh...whomever she is). I guess what I'm saying is there are parts of her that I need now but feel like I've lost and am not even sure how to connect with or reawaken if I wanted to!

[*sigh#3] Woe is me.
Perhaps I need to officially grieve for what is no longer and truly begin to paint the new picture that will be my life. I thought I had done both, but perhaps it was not as effective as I thought it was.

Who in f*** do you call in situations like these?!

2007-08-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

Blogger is getting on my nerves now. I'm sorry I just posted your comments guys. For some reason my re-route did not work!!! The little changes they are making are becoming more trouble than they are worth. HELP!

...But I am glad you're all hangin in there!

Back on the Blog!

2007-07-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Hey!

Here I go!

I'm right here!

So, hopefully none of you have tried to post comments to any of those old posts in the last month or two, I haven't had access to that account and had to change the info so please don't take it personal if your comment didn't show up. But it's all taken care of.

Lots of changes going on. To sum it up, (because sunshine is napping and I'm trying to do this, read and watch Brown Suga before she wakes) I'm obsessed with Feng Shui now, it has changed my life!

I recently found all of my old journals from the age of 15 to 26...GOLDMINE! As well as every letter that anyone I've ever known has ever written me. It's a bit strange but so therapeutic. Almost like time travel and collecting the pieces of yourself that somewhere along the way you've left behind. I really think I needed that. Hell, I know I needed it. I will say it is inspiring me to get back being more dilligent about journaling on paper.

I'm changing jobs, I think some things are really about the kick into gear. The attorney gig was aw-ight for a while but he was a bit obsessive...I know, it got crazy! We clashed all the time in terms of work around the legal work (he didn't want to SHOW me how to do anything and confessed to not wanting to TRAIN anyone --can you imagine? That's the dumbest shit ever!) but I think it was for the best. We got along great in terms of the PR work but I also didn't need his help for that, I could be more self directed.

The Sunshine is growing like mad! Her vocabulary is very impressive! She's still working on annunciation but Momma Knows what she's saying.

Things are just good....great I guess. I will touch base soon in more detail. But for now I must get back to my journal, I'm currently in 1996. Whoa! Until then friends, go get this book so that I don't have to get on my soap box and start testifyin' about it. My friends are getting so sick of it and are beginning to think I'm reaping commissions from book sales.

Since my comments are routed correctly now...how are you?

Pappaaaa can you hear meeeee?

2007-06-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

So.....
How are you guys doin? Good? Good.
Things are very uneventful here. I have mixed feelings about that but anyway.

I've just been working, mothering, dog-parenting...
I invested in some new plants: a mint plant and a sage plant. One I bought in memory of my neighbor that passed. I thought that would be a good idea to buy a plant shortly after her memorial. If you didn't know, I have an obsession with naming "objects" . My couch Sadie, my big plant, Sanchez. I'm having a hard time naming my new ones. My usual strategy is to ask them what they'd like to be called and wait until I think something comes that feels right. ...nothing has come.

This weekend will be the first time I've traveled with the baby. I'm trying NOT to have anxiety about it. Let's hope all goes well. It's a relatively short flight and hopefully a painless one.

Things are really different right now. Quiet and...just strange.
I thought I was back to my pre-pregnancy self but lately I have many days where I'm left to question that in terms of who I am, am I the same person, what do I look like now standing outside of myself? At one time I felt like I could answer that question. Or maybe I never cared. Maybe I think too much and I can't just "be". One thing is for certain: I'm getting tired of wrestling with it.

Who knows...
And I haven't felt very pro-active lately about figuring it out because no sooner than I think I know, the reality sets in again: I don't know! I'm a mess. And I don't wanna be a mess anymore.

I thought I had so much more to share but I guess not. I am at work though.... maybe I'll have more later.

I remembered!

Check this out, I think my little magical baby astral traveled the other week. Are you familiar with astral travel? If not, you can go here but in the meantime, it's like when you leave your body in the dream state. Forwards in time, back in time, present time, it's deep. I've not mastered it and have only been fortunate enough to experience a few times.

Why do I think she did?

The other nite I was sleeping (as was she in HER crib in HER room). While I was sleeping, she ran into the room giggling and laughing. I was puzzled and couldn't move or open my eyes because my first thought was, "How did you get out of your crib?! What your doing in here?!" As soon as I would say/think that or want to get up and do something about it, she'd run back into her room laughing and then do the same thing again a few minutes later. Again I'd question, I'd want to move but couldn't and she'd run back in. Once I'd even swear that she jumped on my bed! It was crazy. I also think my "spirit boyfriend" came through that nite. That's another story. Actually, it's not major. But it's the second time I've sworn that someone was lying in the bed right next to me because I could feel the dip in the bed from another persons body weight and the energy. But I refused to open my eyes (for the second time) I wasn't ready.

For me, one of the signs of experiencing astral travel is that my mind is clear that I am asleep and can think as though I were awake and I'm always puzzled that I don't have the same control that I normally would in my waking life. For instance not being able to move or get up and grab the baby...

For those of you that have one eyebrow raised right now, there is absolutely no way Sunshine could have gotten out of her crib, she's only 14 months old. When I did awake, there she was, safe and sound. Another side affect if I am the one traveling is that when i do wake up, my body is extremely heavy and my body is tired. I had to wake Sunshine that morning. Normally she'll get up on her own but I think she experienced the same. ...Hm.

If any of you have more experience on astral travel and have experienced either a "spirit boyfriend" or your little magical baby doing some thing ...could you share please?

2007-06-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a little irritated....restless. Not sure why but I could probably guess on about three or five reasons why. That was a great way to begin my blog 'eh? I'll bet your interested now. Hm?

Okay so, I'm having this little dilemma with myself that's been going on for a while. Everyone keeps saying that I need to get a MySpace page. ...That I would be a fool not to even! That you meet so many people, that it's a great networking tool, that it makes all the difference in being a starving artist and a working one. The problem is, I DON'T WANNA BE A PART OF THE MYSPACE THING! I'm not sure how accessible I wanna be to people! Grrr. But I kinda wanna do it --then I don't. Hell I dunno! Can any of you weigh in on this? Oh please, I know you all are probably already myspace veterans. I'm the only person in the world without a page at this point. I'll figure something out.

My baby is growing growing growing and talking my ears off! I swear everyday I pick her up from Day Care her annunciation gets better and better. It's so crazy! But she's so precious. Oh and so far Pops prostate surgery went well, I'm trying to improve my relationship with Nyeena Jenkins because I've been hostile toward her lately, I hate this apartment and can't wait for my lease to be up, I wanna cook for someone, I'm tired, it's late and there's no ice-cream --DAMN!

---

Today I found out one of my old neighbors died.

After my parents divorce we moved in the house directly across the street from her. Betty was white, her husband Troy was black and what I considered at the time to be true "Soul Brotha #1!". Betty was a nurse and a really hard worker. Troy was a truck driver. She was a farm girl from Nebraska. Very plain and simple...no frills. She never wore make-up and was never really fashion conscious. She always wore a pair of shorts with blue t-shirt that two scrambled eggs strategically placed right on the boobs. She was her family historian. Most importantly? She was the eyes and ears of the neighborhood. Not in an intrusive way, it was good. Nothing got passed her. Often times I think about how we don't have neighbors like her anymore and we need them! Me and my other neighbor friend Traci would often hang out at her house either together or alone as if she was one of the kids although there was nothing child like about her. Her home didn't have any toys or movies for kids or cable, nothin. But we still went, just to enjoy her company I guess. They had two HUGE dogs or what seemed huge at the time, we were small: Tippy and Smokey. Sometimes we'd just go over there to play with her dogs. Every dog in the neighborhood adored Betty for some reason. They never ran away, they ran over there.

When I think back I always remember her smiling, laughing. ALWAYS! I never remember being in a space where she didn't have that to give and if she ever was, we never saw her in that space. She was information central in terms of neighborhood gossip, she knew everything from one end of the block to the other and it was a big block. I'm still not quite sure how or why everyone brought the info to her, but they did. I imagine because she had a very neutral energy about her. Even though everyone got along pretty well on the block, there were some people that certainly had their issues or chose not to engage with others. But not Betty. Everyone seemed to feel safe with her.

She and Troy struck me as an unlikely couple from the age of six when we first moved in. They never acted like a couple, just good friends. There was only one professional photo of them ever taken in her home. You could tell she took care of everything. Troy only had to be Troy but I think he was grateful to her for that. I never knew them to argue or fight about anything.

She came out to photograph every prom or continuation or special event right along with the parents. She was our neighbor until I was about 14 which is when we moved to NC. We came back three years later to the same neighborhood but of course not to the same house, but some blocks away. So time goes by, my sisters and I got older. People move away and begin families we became more disconnected although she still kept in touch with my mom. Within the last year Betty was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma Cancer. The progression was relatively quick. She had spent the last 3-4months in the hospital. Lately I kept thinking about how I should go with my mom to see her but I knew I wasn't really ready to see her in that state. It had been on my mind for a long time that I should take the baby to see her, that perhaps it would add something to her day. ...That if it were me, I would want that. Not to become the "forgotten neighbor". I thought about how I really needed to do better in terms of keeping in touch and that I needed to get over my piddly issues.

The other nite I had a dream that I finally went to see her, Sunshine in tow. It was a good visit. When i woke up, I wondered if the dream meant anything more than what it appeared to be. I concluded it didn't, except that I knew for sure I really needed to go see her. That was the feeling I woke up with is, "Quit trippin. You must go to see her". I decided then I'd go the next time mom went.

This evening Traci called me to say that Betty passed. So then I was handed the responsibility of informing my mother which I knew was not going to be good.

"What's Pa gonna do?!!!" (Betty and Troy referred to themselves as Ma & Pa)

That's the million dollar question. I think he depended on her heavily. I told her that was crazy and that I'd had that dream and when I had it. "That's the nite she passed! --Awww Holly, she was saying good-bye!"

Wow. I knew she was right. I still felt kind of bad that I hadn't gone to see her but at the same time, I felt as though she knew my intentions and that we were able to remedy them in the dream realm.

So this is for Betty. A woman we all considered to be a true gem. A protector of children and genuinely open-hearted person. Lover of animals and family and most importantly a friend to everyone. Your energy and love will truly be missed but your laughter and your smile forever embedded in my mind.

Betty Joan Walker-Ruff

January 7, 1943-June 7, 2007

Aw Poo

2007-05-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how goofy my blog titles are? Yeah, they're goofy. Know why? Because I hate them! I hate having to give my blog a title. I'm not that organized to title it before I start. ...I know some of you are saying, "Then why do you? Title it after you written your post dunder head". The answer is, because I can't. I don't think like that. Granted I'm not organized but when it's the first thing I see, I have this thing where I must fill things out in the order in which they are presented. ...Title box is first, gotta fill it out first. ...Enough about that. But from this day forward I'm not title-ing anymore unless I feel compelled to. Otherwise, if I don't wanna, I'm not gonna. How bout that. It 's about what I want right?!

Yeah, it's late. I'm crazy. It's 1:50am to be exact. Why am I up? I was on my was to meet the Sandman at a decent hour and then the phone rang. LIke a dummy I answered it, held a conversation and now? My friend is in dreamland while I am here on the computer like an insomniac trying to come up with new and different ways to get Mr. Sandman to come "pick me up". Anywhoo...

So I spoke with my Dad. Since his diagnosis I'd been doing some research on this wholistic healing website. It's got some amazing information on it. While I was collecting all of this info, I worried that my dad wouldn't be receptive to it. Although he is a full time attorney, he is also a pastor and sometimes religious people get real funny about wholistic healing and spirituality. WHen we spoke he told me he started using his juicer. I was siked! I didn't even know he had one and apparently he didn't either. He was even juicing green vegetables I was impressed! We ended up having a long conversation about herbs, he whipped out his herbal healing book (whoa) and I whipped out my herbal encyclopedia and we compared notes. --Unexpected. He mentioned some tea called essiac tea that is supposed to be good for treating cancer. Where he lives they don't have a whole foods or wild oats. So today I made a point to see if I could find it and sure enough, I did. So I'm sending him that and some flaxseed oil, I think I'll throw in some other herbal stuff too. I sent him a text telling him I found it and would send it. He was excited and asked how much he owed me. I told him nothing, just a positive attitude and an open mind which he already seemed to have. So as far as i was concerned it was paid. I'm so impressed by him already. He actually seems more vibrant than he did pre-diagnosis. That's great.

He was pretty supportive during my pregnancy and once the baby came too. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting that. Family...you just never know. In the meantime, my sister that's married to the gay-cop has joined weightwatchers, WTF? I would post her picture up here but I guess that wouldn't be right. Plus I don't have any pics of this body that she feels needs to shed a few pounds. If you saw it, you'd think weightwatchers was a bit extreme.

The event I had to vend at this weekend was a BUST. Boo. But shit happends I guess.

That's about it. Sunshine is in love with the word no so much she says it in her sleep. No exaggeration. It's the first thing she says until I call her name as I'm on my way in her room and then it's "NaNa? NaNa?" I've been thinking about having another baby a lot lately. No, there are no prospects. I've kept to myself for quite some time now. I think the BD now gets a kick out of pissing me off. He calls and makes ridiculous requests like, "Why don't you make me some dinner?" Mm hm. ...That's what I said too girl. It's like setting fire to a firecracker and I start running down the list of "Why don't you's MF!" But I've stopped giving him my energy. (..No applause please, no please) Now I just meet him with a very dry, "No". Some people, dont even get me started.

I think that's my update for now. I was hoping at this point I'd be feeling some fatique but uh...nothin yet. Oh wait! I have to tell you guys about the "Moon in My Room"! It was one my Target addiction purchases but it's so cool. National Geographic makes toys now and this moon hangs on the wall, it has a remote control and when you push it, it goes through the moon cycles on its own. How cool is that? In a month or two I'm going to show Sunshine the remote. I think she'll have it figured out by then and she's going to have a blast with it. You know, I basically gave up my room to her until we move into our LARGE THREE BEDROOM HOME WITH A YARD FOR NJ AND A GARDEN (insert law of attraction here). But once we do, you can forget it. That kid is going to have everything in there. I'd be kidding myself if I tried to say otherwise. Next target purchase? The baby leather recliner chair. It's so cute and its only like $50 bucks! I was prepared to spend about $30 for baby living room kinda chair but when I saw that one, I figured I'd hold out another paycheck or two and get the one I really want! (Notice, "I really want")

Here's the picture of "the moon in my room". I couldn't find the chair...

Shame on me...again.

2007-05-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

I've been a terrible blogger.

Much has happened and although I never post everyday, I've let many important things go by.

My birthday for one! Another year older, and hopefully wiser.

But more important than mine, Patient-Sunshine celebrated her one year birthday during my blog silence.

For her birthday, she and I went to a little Jazz Concert at this coffee shop. She really liked it. If I've not mentioned it before she loves music as I'm sure most kids do. But reeeeally loves it. So for her to see the person in front of her singing was like "wow!" She tried her best to mimic the vocalist and repeat her song when she'd pause. The audience got a kick out of that and it was quite precious and she really paid attention.

My Dad's been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although I've known for a while now, I'm still not sure how to feel about it. His spirits are really good and I'm hoping that counts for A LOT! He's scheduled for surgery soon.

Work has been incredibly busy and I'm simply exhausted. I'm up because I'm supposed to be preparing for an event I have on Saturday but as you can see, I'm not. Other than that, I suppose I have no complaints. Things are good and life is moving along. Since I'm so behind, I owe this to my little one. I meant to do it almost a month ago. I found it in my journal written March 28, 2007. One day before my birthday and exactly 8 days before I would be blessed with her presence. She has changed my life in so many ways. After I read this I just felt so.....so....I dunno. This post is also for those of you that were so supportive to me during my time of pregnancy and hormone insanity. You know who you are. Your blog presence and willingness to read my ramblings made all the difference in the world. So here it goes:

For Patient-Sunshine

Dear Patient-Sunshine,

It's almost time!!!

We are in the final days before you make your entrance and we finally meet face to face. Our time together building that womb connection has been interesting, and special. I'm going to miss feeling you inside my belly, wondering what your doing, what you look like, what you are hearing...but I'm sure it won't compare to actually seeing your face and bridging that gap.

I believe the look you gave me in the dream, that "We are going to have so much fun together" look, was accurate. I'm looking forward to all I have to learn from you. The getting tired but being okay with it. Wanting desperately to go to sleep but being so excited to see your face the next morning. Wanting someone to babysit but not wanting to let you out of my sight. You and I have made it through a rough time already. You are already such an inspiration to me.

I just wanted to say that I love you, I'm excited to meet you and that words cannot express how amped I am for this experience although I know it may not always be easy. I hope that I can provide you with all that you need. Already I am honored that you selected me to be your mother.

With the utmost love, anticipation and respect,

Your Mommy

"Sunshine Momma"

Go get 'em Tiger! Grrrrrrr

2007-03-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know I said I was thinking about shutting down the spot, and I still am. But while I'm deliberating and feel like I may have a thing or two to say, I will! Things have just been so crazy. I overwhelm myself on a regular basis with various things. Stress, ideas, a list of life-time to-do's.... My job is basically to make the attorney I work for a "legal superstar"! I'm kidding...sort of. He's doing a good job of that on his own but a "guru" I guess. He wrote this book on Fatherhood and is like the "wholistic attorney" with a spiritual/motivational message.

...Not a mudslinger and always wins by fighting the good fight. It's pretty cool actually but he wants to grow his public speaking career, his writing, website, blah blah blah. So ALL DAY I come up with new ways to create this image. Right now I'm reading this to make it happen. It's actually quite interesting if you have any kind of business or venture. All of that to say that after thinking up ideas for another person ALL DAY, I'm spent. Not to mention my brain just turns to mush. I actually love thinking up ideas for people. So much so I'm branching out and adding "artist development" to my job description. My boss was down for it too. I must say I love the freedom I have there and the fact that it's not just "legal stuff" but his entire "enterprise"which can encompass a lot. The downside is that it's just overload so many days. I literally get headaches that don't go away for days. I'm convinced it's because the ideas just wanna get out and be born, but they're stuck at least for a little while. I know, goofy huh? This is a large reason for my absence. By the time I get home and the baby down, I just can't look at the computer anymore. Can't check another link, plug in another site, nothin.

As things have steadily accelerated since I started there, I've found myself having mixed feelings about it. I just didn't/don't wanna be that person that works all the time, can't go a weekend without checking e.mail or having something scheduled. Better yet, lives by a got'damn day planner. However, I can see myself moving that direction oh so steadily. Eeeeek! I don't wanna, but I do wanna. I'm so over the starving artist thing. I'm ready to have, and go shopping every weekend, and travel, and eat out whenever I want and decorate Patient Sunshine's room however I feel like it without going to the thrift store, unless I just want to, and going on shopping sprees at TARGET!!!!! (it's all about the little things people).

I'm tired of having to put off things and prioritize my wants. I deserve to have now. I've worked hard and sacrificed majorly for my craft these last seven years. It's time to make it work for me. Don't worry, I'm not putting my own ventures on hold by any means. I am however figuring out how and where I am most effective while still being happy in the j.o.b. ...Hence the artist development thing. A musician friend of mine had been asking me to aid in re-writing his bio, again, and another friend took me to lunch for three days straight just to pick my brains for ideas around his block party project he's planning(he wasn't slick). After that, when the headaches came again after my food induced brainstorm? I decided it was on. Time to start billing people. I love it! It's fun and apparently people need the service. Maybe that's my calling. Besides, as an artist and entrepreneur myself, I love to see people get their projects off the ground. Especially when it's benefiting their business. I know how hard it can be to try to focus on your craft and market yourself at the same time, and eat....it's a struggle.

What am I talking about here? I'm babbling AGAIN.

I told you I whacked the locs, yes? I don't think I mentioned how liberating it's been, not to mention fun! I swear...I had no idea I was so oppressed by the hair! I really think I was! You know, hair does hold energy and I'd been through a whole lotta SHIT with that SHIT: Businesses opening and closing, break-ups, rendezvous, depression, birth, the list goes on and on. It was weighing a sista down. So I was ready to let go of all of that in an effort to facilitate forward movement. Progress. Motion. Whatever you want to call it. It was time! I felt the burden lift as the hair fell to the floor. So first, I just cut the locs, celebrated the absence of hair. Then I got addicted to cutting. I cut it every weekend, shorter and shorter. Then I needed some pizazz AND I wanted it shorter. So please, if you will, behold the masterpiece. It has made me soooo bloody happy! I'm damn near skippin down the street the last few days! (I just got this yesterday)

That whole hair thing is overrated. I'm not sure when I'll be up for growing hair again. I recommend a good shave for everyone. My good partner in crime even got inspired and chopped hers too! Not as short as mine but it's quite short. I will say this has done wonders in terms of getting me excited about my wardrobe again. My ability to accessorize has improved significantly and my fashion sense returned! I was just a homely lil somebody before. SHeeesh! Why didn't you guys tell me? My good partner in crime is convinced that now the only thing I need is some "ink". It is part of the "blueprint to my freedom" she says. I've thought about it for a long time. I've just never come up with anything I felt strongly enough about to have tattooed on me. If something came to me though, I'd do it. I just have no idea what it would be and don't wanna think too hard about it. This is one girl that will not be going to the tattoo parlor and looking on the wall talkin' about, "I'll take that one". Yeah right.

(Now, if you'll excuse my shiney face and recycled smile)

Cheeeeeeeeeeese!

I Should Say Something....

2007-03-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well, yes. ....I know it's been a hundred years since I posted anything here. WHat can I say? I've just gotten really lazy about this blog. I've been really busy and after staring at a computer screen at least 50% of the day it's hard for me to get back on in the evening.

So anyway, here are the important things I wanted to share:

-Job is good, great actually.
-I chopped all my hair off and that was great! (I'm being lazy about pics)
-The Sunshine continues to be amazing and the most blessed thing in life ( a whopping 18lbs)
-N.J. is good, just making a sista yearn for a yard more and more.
-Life feels like the wheels of my life may finally be turning again
-Watched some documentary on John Denver last nite....I got a new respect for that guy. He was CONNECTED!
-That's it.
I thought I had more to say but I'm in a strange space.
I've been contemplating shutting down this blog. You see how bad I am about posting anything so I figure, "what's the point?" Secretly I've also been yearning to go back to my hand written journals. and I never do both (blog and write in my journals In the meantime....I'm still here! I'll try to get some pics for ya.
Hope you all are well!

You talkin' 'a me?

2007-01-17T02:16:00.000-08:00

And once again....

Aries Horoscope for week of January 18, 2007
"When are your cats old enough to learn about Jesus?" asks The Onion, America's finest newspaper. Think about that question for a while, Aries. Then, once you've worked yourself up into a riddle-solving frame of mind, move on to these other, more pressing brain-teasers: When will you finally be old enough to figure out what you want to do when you grow up? When will it be the right time to reveal your secret super-powers to the world? How long are you going to wait before you get around to being completely committed to what you were born to do?
---------------------- --------------------
Aww, now see Rob. ...Why you gotta go there? You just haaaad to end it with the kicker question huh? Nothin' like gettin 'em in the gut. One day at a time. ...Sheesh.

According to Rob...

2007-01-14T02:07:00.000-08:00

Aries Horoscope for week of January 11, 2007

Let's get a few things straight, Aries. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Facts are in the eye of the beholder. Logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. Sorry if that sounds anti-intellectual. I'm exaggerating slightly in hopes of encouraging the free flow of your naked intuition in 2007. I want to prod you into cultivating so much emotional intelligence that you'll be able to out-argue your cynically reasonable friends. I want to help you rip off the locks on your doors of perception so you can see the magic that's just below the surface everywhere you look.
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This kind of seems like a lot to ask. ...Or at least today it does. But damn. ...I'm workin on it.
Go get yours.

Happy New Year. You excited?

2007-01-03T00:09:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year all.
And so we begin another one just pregnant with possibilities, wonder and surprise. Ahhhhh.

How was your new years? Any resolutions? ...Not me, I don't believe in them.
I had a good one. Actually, I take that back I had a great one. Moms offered to watch the baby so I could go to this party but I went ahead and stayed home. I figured, "Why can't I make it count right here? With me, myself and I?" And I did. I didn't feel like hustling to figure out wardrobe and hair and blah blah blah...and I knew parking would suck because of the snow...all that just killed it.

So I......

Cleaned my house physically and spiritually. You know, burned a little sage then sweetened it up with some incense.
-Bathed Sunshine, then bathed myself AND exfoliated! (that's a big deal) and put the baby to bed without a hitch.
-Proceeded to prepare myself a fabulous dinner with sips of some comforting German wine in between my preparation ritual, all the while soaking up the sounds of Ella (Fitzgerald), Sarah (Vaughn), Billie (Holiday), Lena (Horne) and Carmen (McCrae). Smoked a little bit, cooked and continued to listen and with new ears no less. The music felt sweeter and more real than ever for some reason (...and nooo, it's not because I sista was "feelin good" okay?).
-By the time I finished cooking it was perfect because it was about fifteen minutes until the ball would drop. So I rung that part in with Dick. ....Oh and Ryan Seacrest of course. And after that? I went to the Sade Concert! ...In my living room on video that is. I rented it that day and thought it would be a nice thing to watch that nite and it was! I truly felt like my evening was perfect.

Don't get me wrong, there have been quite a few but that definately qualifies as one of the best times I've had alone.

Happy New Year!

God ...be Merciful!

2006-12-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

We are about to be trapped in another blizzard. You know what I say to that? (With my best Home Alone impression) "Aaaahhhhhh!" That's it, I'm going nuts! I tried to prepare a bit better this time. I already had food so I made sure I hit the video store for half price movie day yesterday. This is so crazy. God be merciful!!!!! Even the grocery stores are naked.

So how was your holiday? Good? Mine was okay. I don't get too crazy with the Christmas thing but....it was good. My Dad came into town for a few days on his way to see my uncles in AZ. He had quite a time with Patient Sunshine. Oh! And do you know that yesterday she said "Uh-oh"? Not to me, to my mom. I walked in on the moment and it defied description. I was so amazed. For the last few days she's been relentless about mastering the art of walking. I'm convinced she will do in just a few weeks. I can't believe it!

There's some gross bug going around. I was laid up at my moms yesterday because early Wednesday morning, I woke up with a sudden urge to hug the toilet. Needless to say by noon I'd made nice with the toilet at least five times. Eeeew. I hate throwing up more than anything. I didn't even throw up the whole time I was pregnant! I felt awful. Luckily this morning I was back in tact. I wasn't expecting that at all. I'm always pretty confident about my immune system but...didn't matter this time I guess.

...Job is good.

...Anxious for other sisters visit (w/Bro in Law and Nephew) on the 3rd.

...Tired of being trapped inside due to weather.

...Feel really good about life and financial changes lately.

...Also must confess to feeling a bit lonely (in terms of the opp. sex).

...Pleased with decisions I've made lately.

...Happy to be a mom.

Christmas Eve??

2006-12-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

Eh, it just feels like another day. But happy Christmas Eve! to those of you that celebrate it. It's just been a lazy Sunday. It has the AUDACITY to be snowing again. Can you imagine?????? I swear. ...It is pretty though. ANd we haven't had a white Christmas in a long time.

So it's Reggae Sunday up in herrr I guess. We watched 'The Harder They Come', then we watched this Bob Marley Documentary that I've watched a hundred times but don't care and don't know the name of...but it's great. Then, we watched 'Rockers'. I loved it! That was the first time I'd seen it and it was precious. And honestly, without the subtitles I wouldn't have understood what they were saying completely but the funny thing? I don't think I needed the subtitles. I still understood what was happenin. And I'm saying "we" like Sunshine was really watching them. Anywhoo...

Pops and stepmoms are supposed to be here from Kansas tomorrow. They are driving which is pretty brave considering the weather here. My sister called saying she could have everyone over at she and the gay cops house for dinner thinking she was making things easier or ...something. Then she goes, "...And I was thinking I could get one of those stouffer family size lasagnas or something". I couldn't believe her! I told her that if we come over to her house for dinner, we are going to eat and how dare her offer up some stouffers frozen lasagna if she's gonna have guests!! She tried to tell me the stores are cleaned out and there's no meat.
(Long pause)
"So....like is that the only there is to cook?" I don't wanna go on with the conversation. Suffice it to say the conversation ended with her saying she was going to consult her Cooking Light magazines and call me back. "Yes. Good idea", I told her. I swear.

I'm eating at my moms, my Dad told my sister not to worry about it. Whew. Since we decided to hold off on the holiday until my other sister arrives, tomorrow should be pretty uneventful. To be honest, I can't wait to get back to work on Tuesday. I've had enough of being home. ...I know. I'm sure I haven't done all I can do here but....still.

And about those New Years Plans? I think I'll be makin it a nite to remember...at home. Yeah, I don't think I'll be goin anywhere. I think me and Sunshine will be bringin' it in together and that's okay. I suppose there will be other times to party like it's 1999.

Happy Christmas.

Oh NO, too much SNOW!

2006-12-23T02:43:00.000-08:00

So what do you do when your snowed in?
You rejoice over the fact that everything is closed and you get to remain warm and cozy inside. And that you get an extra unexpected day of rest! You go down the list in your head of all of the things you could accomplish with this extra time and then you get overwhelmed by the possibilities only to find yourself vegging out in front of the T.V. and making frequent trips to the refrigerator. ...Remark how pretty it is.

What do you do when your snowed in for a second day?
You decide that the day before was a total waste and that you should at least clean or something. Just be more productive! So you are and it's good.

What do you do when you are snowed in for a third day?
You start cleaning out drawers and things. Throwing out items that don't fit or get no wear. However, you still avoid the major places that need organizing like your work table or computer area. You cook, you eat, you talk on the phone, you have a drink and you realize that your suffering from a wretched case of CABIN FEVER and that tomorrow you will escape by any means necessary!!!

Coloradans are nuts. I heard that last nite people were out on the streets. I'm not that crazy, although I can understand getting sick of being indoors! And Coloradans are all about the outdoors! Everyone I know is going bonkers but apparently the streets were halfway driveable today so tomorrow, that's it -- I'm outta here! Me the baby and the dog. I know Mz.Jenkins is pissed. She keeps looking outside at some of the other dogs romping through the snow and gets quite jealous. At which time she grunts and looks at me as if to say, "Can't we go out there and do that?" Sorry sister. We did once or twice but she gets so crazy it's hard to get her back in sometimes and if the baby's with me....I just don't wanna be bothered with the hassle.

Sooo guys, what's up? Well, other than this blizzard the job is still going well. I'm officially done with the school. THe blizzard saved me from my last two days which was fine with me. THe new girl they hired(EARLY by the way) seems very cool but I'm betting she won't last long. She seems a lot like me, in fact we hit it off pretty well but she was quickly picking up on the disfunction with the administration, etc. She was already dreading coming to work to deal with them by her fourth day. That kinda sucks.

Lets go through my random thoughts...
I thinking about what I'm gonna wear for new years. I'm makin this one count ya'll. Last year for new years I was pregnant and drowning in a sea of depression. Not because of the baby, I think it was hormones and stress and the like. BUt not this year. I'm gonna party like it's ...1999! The building I work in is having this huge party so we're going to sponsor and go, it's gonna be fun. Hopefully everything works out around that. I actually wanted to spend new years with the baby initially but then when my boss mentioned this party I thought...hm, why not? WHen I thought about last year I was definately like, "Yeah, let me start this year differently". I'm reluctant to ask my mom if she'll watch the baby but I don't think she'll mind. Plus I figure it's all about establishing new traditions anyway and maybe that can be her and Sunshines, spending new years together. We'll see.

I wanna go see Dreamgirls on Christmas day and I never go see movies when they open. ...Hell, I never go to the theater period. I always catch it on video. I'm really excited for Jennifer Hudson, you know the AMerican Idol girl? I'm glad they are giving her such great reviews and I can only imagine what this all must feel like for her. She was on the TOday's show and sang 'I am changing'. She blew it up! And you could just feel how true it really was for her right now. Even she had a tear or two afterward. It was beautiful. And don't get me wrong you guys, Beyonce is okay too but damn. I'm a little tired of her. I'm rooting for the underdog and I can't help but think that Beyonce needs to go and read a book or two. I'm convinced that she's just a "childstar-singing robot" and that when she's like fifty, we'll read her autobiography where she discloses how she didn't have a normal childhood and how she feels like she missed out because of all those damn rehearsals in that basement. Maybe not. Maybe she's okay.
What's up with Carson Daley? Does that dude have an eating disorder?

Sunshines trying to walk. It's crazy. I don't know what to do. I took pictures of her efforts thinking I'd post them....as you can see I didn't. I took my camera outside when we went to document the snow for you all...didn't take any pics. BUT, I do have a good reason see: I had Sunshine in one hand and was holding on to her tight because of the ice and snow and was trying to keep up with Mzzz Jenkins and it was going to be really hard to snap a photo...with my left hand no less. She's growing so fast it's amazing. Before I know it she really will be talking and that will be deep. I 'm convinced she talks now...it's just in another language.

Today my friend and I were on line (via telephone of course) and were looking for African Orphanages because I told her I had all these baby clothes and wanted to send them there. Do you know we discovered that there are orphanages for African Child witches? You know I'm sending my clothes right there! It was kind of sad though because these kids get abandoned by their families after their families think they are witches. You should do the search, it's really interesting, but sad.

I re-arranged my place. I like it. It's more open and I chucked my bed. I put one of my sofas in Sunshines room...or what is now Sunshines room. I decided I can take the futon in the living room. I just wanted to simplify and make room. BUt as much as I love this apartment, I can't wait to move to something bigger. Not only that but it's gotta be first floor something or other with a little backyard so that I can let the dog out without going down any stairs, putting on a coat and blah blah blah...it's such a process.

I'm concerned about my sister who's married to the gay cop. I think the marriage is really stressing her out. You know, he got suspended for "something"....no one knows what (including her) for three months without pay and they had just bought this house. Last Sunday morning she called to cancel our brunch date citing financial strain as the reason. I said it was fine, that I could pay but that was cool because Sunshine was still sick anyway. When we got off the phone something just didn't sit right with me. SHe sounded really beaten down. Throughout the day in my head I just kept hearing "Something's not right and it's got to do with him". THe next day I kept meaning to call her at work and just got busy. By that evening my mom told me she was in the emergency room. The reason? ....Some stomach virus. ...Hm. My sister is the queen of internalizing. I'm still convinced it's him. But damn I wish I knew exactly what was up. Oh to be a fly on the wall. ....I need more data but she damn sure won't be the one to give it.

We're delaying our holiday festivities until January when my other sister comes. I think that's better because eventhough I don't get all engrossed in Christmas, especially the purchasing of gifts, it snuck up on me and I need some more time to get creative. And I absolutely despise holiday crowds.

Now that it's 4a.m. I guess I should think about some sleep. I better get what I can at this point. I'm sure the Sunshine will arise in a few hours. SHe's been wakin up early since she started regular day care. And I'll get some pics up, that's a promise. I know I'm such a blog slacker! But I said so much today I don't need to blog for another three weeks, eh?

Toodles.

2006-12-03T03:23:00.000-08:00

Okay.

This post was not supposed to be about this, but can I just say I am SO OVER celebrity obsessed news shows? UUh Hemmm: Extra, ET, Inside Edition. This is the second nite my TV has just been on and all that is on at this hour are those kinds of shows. Last nite on one of them they took you on a tour of Clay Aikens estate and he's never shown it to anyone! Can you believe it? Ooh, ooh - then after the tour, you got to call in and vote on your favorite room in Clay Aikens home! This is ridiculous. Are you serious? Right now Anna Nicole is crying about the death of her son with a dry face and managing to plug trim spas new chocolate products she's sampling right now and crediting them for helping her lose 60 whole pounds of her baby weight? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I sware, it's all so damn silly sometimes.

Anyway. Helooo blog fam. It is Saturday nite/sunday morning and I'm having some ME time. I've been out of commission for quite some time, so I'm playing catch up. I crashed earlier and woke up again. I decided to actually get up. As tired as I was, I missed my late nite me time. Since I started the job, I crash so early I don't get it much anymore. I know...it's 4am and i'm on the damn computer. And I'm starving and I want some eggs but I don't want to cook them because I cleaned up my kitchen today and I don't wanna dirty it up. I know I won't feel like washing my pan right away.
But I digress...

So, guess what! I turned in my notice for my job effective December 21st! When I put the letter in my supervisors box I felt like a huge burden had been lifted. I think that was confirmation that I made the right decision. Now my supervisor wants to talk about it Monday. ...Whatever. It still won't change my decision, but I did tell her we could talk. Hey, she asked, so what the hell. I'ma be like:

Well Alice. It wasn't enough that my first week here I sprained my foot while being playful with the children and while I was hobbling and could barely take care of my little baby your concern was whether or not I'd be able to work the next day.

Or maybe my first month in when little Mason was choking on that bagel, turning colors with tears streaming down his face while the only assistance my First Aid Certified Teachers Assistant could offer was to calmly say, "Mason are you choking? I think he's choking". Leaving me to call on every piece of literature I'd ever read on the Heimlich maneuver and remember it in that moment and pray it was effective because my TA was just gonna let him die!

Or maybe it was Post traumatic stress after saving little Mason that went so overlooked while I continued to wrestle with the idea that as grateful as I was that it worked and he was okay, man, it could have gone wrong and had a very different ending. Let alone wondering how skilled the people are that were watching Sunshine should an emergency situation happen while we're apart. That was a little too close to death for me!

Or that your training methods (or lack there of) suck. I'm sick and tired of you coming up with new things I'm supposed to do every five seconds after I asked you to be thorough in your expectations. I hate your evening meetings. I despise your attempt at praise after you pointed out everything that we should be doing but are not because you think that we are octopuses and that two people with twenty five kids should function the same at four people with thirty five kids. I was disgusted at watching you humiliate someone to the point of robbing them of their dignity so that they were the size of a pea. I wanna be able to utilize regular day care and be able to pick my child up by 6pm and the money here sucks for the level of responsibility you put on people. I hate your "Prop Box" and your snack calendar and the goo gobs of redundant paperwork that must be filled out for god knows what on any given day. Ya know what else Alice? I hate the fact that you can't spell for shit and your twice my age. And last but not least, I can't surive on your scraps of a check lady. That's right. I'm more broke with this job than i was with no job. How in the hell does that happen. The money seems to be even less than I anticipated! ...?... I gotta go make some decisions for me...for us and I'm not sure why I'm starving for YOU PEOPLE! On that note Alice, you guys take care. Thanks for the good times I'm gonna go take a deep breathe because I smell freedom! A whole new world opened up just after I put the letter in her box. Maan. I won't really be that mean to her. I was just venting. But I will be honest with ther though about the basics of course. I'll spare her all that detail.

But I'm soooooo excited to start my new job! It starts Thursday. I'll go there first and then to the school. Then after the 21st I'll only have to go there. The idea alone feels so good! After Tuesday Sunshine will not have to arise at the crack anymore. I'm sure she'll be thrilled and so will I!

Oh well. I had such an plan for this post and it took such a different direction. I'll regain my focus on the next post.

I statements

2006-11-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

It's actually bothering me that I've been so sporadic about my posting. Oh well, it's only partially my fault. My Dell bill was late this month and I swear there is a chip in this computer that makes it difficult to be able to do anything until you pay your bill. Strange things happen when I try to log on like, shutting down suddenly, wierd error messages...pay the bill? Smooooth sailing. Technology is a bitch right?

So the update is as follows.....
On the mommy tip, breastfeeding is coming to a close and I must say, it's bittersweet. My having to work outside the home is primarily responsible for this. She was so anti-formula for a while. Then she'd only take it from the sitter or other people which was fine, that's all I really needed her to do. But now, she's pretty comfy with it. I think she's gotten accustomed to that "oh-so-full" feeling now and we only nurse maybe twice a day. I do miss the closeness and it seems she's developing this new found independence! The upside is that, I can have my boobs back but....*Sigh. Other than that, she's getting so big, crawling, sitting up...and I swear she says "Hi" and "Doggie".

Work? I'm over it. The good news is, I found a new job that I'll start in a couple of weeks working as an assistant to an attorney friend of mine. I'm excited about this because it will bring some normalcy to my hours and the baby won't have to be up at 5:30am! I'm sure she'll be happy too.

Artistically? Not to toot my own horn but I've done some really great things lately. ...Created some photographic/mixed media pieces that I'm reeeeaally proud of. I feel really liberated which is good. I'll share the pieces with you later, but for now, suffice it to say that it's affected me in every way. I'm more ready to let go of things I've been holding on to, ready to declare a major re-org on my place and just open it up...get rid of "stuff". It's good. I keep having day dreams about shaving my head...getting a tattoo even! The head shaving day dream always feels so...freeing! That's probably a sign I need to do it but I'm not ready to chop the locs yet although so many days I have mixed feelings about them. Like them, don't like them...like them...don't. Sometimes they just feel burdensome and heavy.

Clothing Design wise? Still feeling good but I'm in one of those phases again...you know...where I just stand there. ...In my own way. I think I spoke about it last time but I'm having a hard time working through this one. I think primarily because creatively my head is so many places. I'm in one of those...overwhelmed with creativity phases which is nice, however the draw back is that it's hard to focus in one area when I need to. I know I'm on the brink of something great. Standing at the turning point. But GotDamnit!!!!

Emotionally? I feel contemplative. Wondering where my life is going. What it's gonna look like in a year. Wondering if I'm living in the moment enough and if not, why and how do I get back there. Those type of things. There is more, I'll continue this post later. The little one is waking.

Hope you're all well!

I'm just different...I guess

2006-11-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

I think I'm a bad mom guys. ...No, no, she didn't fall off the bed again. I just haven't gotten my childs picture taken...like, at the photo studio. Is that wrong of me? I've taken thousands of pictures of her at home of course. This woman that's my T.A. has a 26, 24 and a 21 year old child. AND a one year old. Yes, I said a one year old. Anywhoo, that's really not the point. The point is, one day we were talking baby stuff and she's like "Oooh, lemme show you a picture of my lil baaaaby". She pulls out her wallet and has a whole photo album in there of all her kids. They were kinda funny too. The kind where everybody and their momma (but not their momma) is up in the picture so that they don't fit within the scene of the fake background? Those are funny. Not like her family was funny, no...just the background. I digress...

So after looking at all of her pictures, I whip out my camera phone cause that's the only place I have pictures of her to carry with me anyway. She had that too. Like 108 pictures of her son in the phone, literally. I was like, "Wow...am I supposed to be doing that? I'm slacking". I made a comment about not having gone to the photo studio and she got on me about it. You know, like I should be ashamed of myself for not making a b-line to the wal-mart studio which she claims is the cheapest, letting me know I have NO EXCUSE. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just a photo snob because I've worked as photographer. I'm always just like, "Eh, we can take cute and artistic ones at home!" I dunno....

And while we're at it... you know what else I don't do people? I don't send birthday cards. Hell greeting cards period! ...Okay, that's a lie. But it is a major chore for me to do so, and I really have to make it a point to remember to do it. I just always feel like there's more important and personal ways to acknowledge a persons birthday besides a paper card. My sister makes a big deal about this and she's 37? She has a frequent shoppers card for the Halmark store. Isn't that funny? I think it is. I'd so much rather actually spend time or tell you how important you are to me face to face. But then she does only express mushy or honest POSITIVE feelings IN the cards. Never face to face. We live in the same city and see eachother twice in a month if we're lucky. ...She also gets really uncomfortable about being affectionate. To this day she doesn't put her whole body into a hug. It's very stand-offish. My sister is a therapist. Isn't that even funnier????? Yeah, well. I know I don't love my child any less, or my sister. Maybe I should just honor her way of expression and/or needing to be acknowledged even if I don't agree with it. If the girl needs a card, I'll give her a card.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. This was supposed to be a more focused post. Forgive me.
I hope all is well with you guys!

Hey there!

2006-10-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

(above: two of my wE.musT.gRoW baby tees FINALLY! and us in the middle)
Hey! ...That's right, I'm still breathin. I think I've been spending more time on the phone than usual which has taken me away from the computer. I don't have much to say so I'm not gonna go out of my way and bore you guys. But what I will say is...."Could you check your horoscopes puh-lease?" Go on....it's fun...kay? It'll be worth it, it's always very insightful. So run along, c'mon, just click here .

Withdrawal

2006-10-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

Wow.
I guess it's been a minute since I've written, eh? Well it wasn't by design. I actually posted about a week ago and when it came time to publish? ...Post completely gone. Yeah. I was pissed so I had to walk away for a sec. I had good stuff for ya'll on that one too! Oh well, we'll try again.

So things have been good. I'm about to start sending out my marketing packet thingeez for we.must.grow. I'm siked, but I think I'm jumping in and out of my own way if that makes any sense. I'm sooo excited to send them out because I feel reeeaally good about everything. ...I did good. But then I feel like...this is it! Success is right around the corner! All that you have worked for, all that you have sacrificed, all the setbacks and struggles as an artist, all of the --defending your career choices to your family, all of your failed projects-succesful projects, all of the recognition and the criticism leads to this moment here: The Pay Off. ...oooooohhh. Am I ready? Am I ready? My subconcious is debating, back and forth..."Oh Yes. I'm ready....Weeeell....wait, wait, okay maybe not. ...No I'm ready. ....WAIT! Hold on, hold on, hold on..." But it's okay. I'm gonna get ready. It's the hand holding the material about to put it in the mailbox...then pulls back to keep it out of the box. But I'm gonna put it in. I have to!!!!!!!
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I had to say good-bye to cable...not by choice. But can I tell you I'm just recovering from cable withdrawal? I know it's pitiful. You don't have to tell me. I realized it was my "bestest" friend. It spooned with me while I slept on my couch. It kept me company while I cooked sometimes. It said good morning to me all the time! And lastly...you guessed it...it was always there when I was in need. My loss came not a moment too soon. I started working this part time job. My hours are crazy, I'll tell you about that in a minute, but it now forces me to rest. I realized how much sleep I wasn not getting because of cable. ...Ridiculous. So my job is with this program that runs before and afterschool programs. I work from 6am-9am and again at 2:30-6pm. That six a.m is brutal! And I feel bad getting the baby up at that time but it's actually not too bad right now. For instance I don't really miss a beat with SUnshine. She goes back to sleep at the sitters from 6-9 and when I pick her up we hang out for a sec, she takes a nap, wakes up and then it's time for me to go. Then she only has to go the sitters for four hours. At least one of which she'll sleep for if not more. But it's good. I'm gonna try to hang until December, at least with that early shift. Then I may just switch to afternoon. I'm not sure I'd have a child care option that early in the morning after that time. THis job is so much less stressful than working with the teens...let me tell ya.
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I guess that's my update....Oh wait! I swear. In like two weeks, the little one has acquired the mechanics to crawl... and has the beginnings of two teeth. TOday we went to target and I had to exercise so much discipline! It was sooo hard not to take the money that I set aside for some work clothes and spend it on her. Of course we saw the coolest toys, the coolest clothes, baby bedding god knows what else baby that suddenly, WE NEEDED! But my shopping concience and financial concience was in full swing. "Put down the crib piano...put down the cow puppet...put down the three pair of shoes! Those are not a priority right now!" And I listened...I am proud of myself for that. Babysteps.
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And before I depart, can I tell you why I need new clothes? Not because just wanna treat myself no...
But because my body did a lil switcharoo after having the baby. A weight redistribution, something. Anyway, as a result of this, the booty I valued so much, the junk in my trunk, my ba-dunk-a-dunk, has been stolen!! It is GONE. I never thought having a kid would steal a curve. I thought it may just add to them. Oh no. My pants don't stay up because there is no booty for them to hang on too now. Can you imagine? I was okay with my curves and now....it's like an old friend has left or something! (Sigh) I dunno. The crotch in my jeans hangs like 4-5inches below my crotch. ...What is that! So I must figure out how to dress this new body. I'm hoping the weight thing doesn't shift again after I stop breastfeeding 'cause this new stuff is gonna have to fit for a while. ...MMhm, very sad.

Well, that's my spiel...I'm gonna crash.
P.S. Apologies for the lack of visuals lately...I've been having problems posting pics.

Deliverance

2006-10-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

Once again I'm awake at some ungodly hour. Well, actually it may be a very godly hour. It's about 4:30am and I hear 4a.m.ish is the best time for prayer and spiritual work etc.

So what's been goin on? Oh, not much. I'd really like to not go on another job interview. I sent Ms. Jenkins to hang out with her Grandma and can I just tell you it's been a great break? All this time I thought balancing the baby was the challenge...come to find out it's balancing the dog! I"ve gotten so much done! I'm supposed to pick her up tomorrow and I must confess I need another week but...I'm sure she's happy she got some exercise and she probably misses the baby.

Saturday I finished my wEmusTgRoW tees to deliver on Thursday and they made me sooooo happy! I planned on having a pic for you but I'll try to get that up tomorrow. I'm trying to finalize a design for baby boys that I like, so I'm still working on that. The initial plan was to hit the streets again tomorrow to a few more baby boutiques but I have a feeling it's gonna get bumped until wednesday but that's okay. I just better use up the last of my puppy free day tomorrow. I swear, I need an assistant! Wouldn't that be lovely if I could afford one?

Sunshine has just about mastered sitting up and it is so precious! She get's so excited while she's trying to balance and I start going "Yaaaay!" Today I wondered what I must look like when I'm in baby babble mode. I thought about how before she arrived I would think to myself from time to time, "I don't even know how to baby talk. That's just not my thing. You know...baby communication...". But look at me now people! I'm a pro! Not only do I baby talk, I baby dance I do it all. Yeeeah!

I suppose that's my update for now. I did wanna tell you guys about my Friday. It was nice. It all started in the mist of a chaotic moment:

"That's it! Ms. Jenkins you are driving me nuts! Somebody has to go. N.J. I think it's you (ms. jenkins)!" So I packed up her dog food, leash and told her she was going to Grandmas. I'm quite sure she understood because she was extremely excited as if to say, "Good. At least I can run around over there in a yard, play with my ball and not rely on you to only take me outside for potty breaks and continuously tell me to get out of the way". We'd been in all day. I could tell the baby wanted to get out so did the dog. Just as I was ready to walk out the door to seek deliverance, a friend of mine that I don't really see regularly called. As soon as I answered she says, "Hey, are you in need of a visit?" I was kind of puzzled at first and just repeated what she said. "We were trying to get over to the river and made a wrong turn and ended up over here by you. So I wondered if you were in need of a visit." ...Why ...uh...yes, I suppose I was. I told her if she still wanted to go we could walk from here so I grabbed the stroller and met her outside. --Oh and N.J. was not pleased to have one foot out the door only to have to go into her crate. You should have seen the look of defeat. Anyway, we walked over and luckily no one was occupying my favorite spot so we just hung out there: we meaning me, the sunshine, my friend and her daughter. Her call could not have come at a more perfect time. I needed the calm and the peace DESPERATELY! Before I knew it we'd been there almost two hours. ...Chatting a little bit but primarily taking in our surroundings. She'd brought offerings to make at the river so she proceeded to do it before we left. I was going to let her do her thing in private until she said, "C'mon SunshineMama you too! We must not have come to get you for nothin'!" So I accompanied her over to another little part of the river while her daughter and Sunshine happily bonded. With no real formula or method we made our offerings, asked for healing and guidance where needed, spoke our intentions and gave thanks.....

It may sound silly to those of you that aren't really into that sort of thing but you have no idea how therapeutic it was. And she was right: they must not have come to get me for nothing because it was a major reminder for me to STOP AND BREATHE. I'd been worrying about any and everything except what really mattered. You guys know me... That moment at the river totally brought me back to my center and just reminded me to focus. And be thankful. And appreciative even when you think you have no reason to be. Once we were done, we hugged a big hug. And packed up to head back toward my house. This particular friend was always kind of guarded so she's not one that I would have approached to hug first but she's been trying to do a lot of "work". Although it was such a simple action, I felt like our friendship had reached a new level because that's one friend I don't really hug. Our offering time was maybe twenty or thirty minutes...but perhaps we felt more bonded because much of our requests forced us to verbalize our shortcomings and imperfections to one another...or at least in front of one another. I guess if you're going to be honest with the creator, it can't matter whose around. I thanked her and told her she had no idea how right on time her phone call was. By the time we got home it was getting dark so I got Sunshine ready for bed and postponed N.J's trip until the next day.

Honestly, I think that women everywhere need to get together and visit the river from time to time. It was an amazing feeling. ...Peaceful and empowering!

Well, I better take my booty to bed. I can still get at least three hours. I have tons to do tomorrow and I can't afford to waste a single second. By the way, I keep meaning to give you all this link. His horoscopes are always so insightful and accurate! Trust me! Sometimes you may have to read them more than once to really see how it fits but it always does. It's crazy. Let me know what you think. www.freewillastrology.com

Thanks for reading, I know this one was a bit lengthy.

Do I hafta' rely on them?

2006-09-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from my job search grind. I just got exhausted. I'm trying to secure some part time work and it's driving me nuts. After staring at my inbox and all of the jobs I'd emailed to myself to follow up on, I just got overwhelmed. I hate relying on other people to give me a job. But...I just called this other program back that I'd gotten hired with a few months ago. I had to turn them down after a few days because my child care situation was all messed up. They told me if I resolved that to call them back and so I gave in...I did even though it was a hair less money than I wanted to work for, holding out is even more stressful right now. And I guess there are some positives:
1- it's only a couple of hours a day but will secure my rent at least
2- It leaves plenty of time to devote to my line
3-I won't be a slave to pumping
4-If I need to I can always find another part time gig to supplement if necessary
5-I'll have the same holiday schedule as Sunshine

...Okay, so maybe things are not so bad. Have I mentioned how much I despise writing cover letters???? Eeeew. Okay, I'm done really.

I'm sending out some packets to some other baby boutiques. Including girlshop.com. They have baby and women's and very cute stuff at that. I swear. ...Okay, first let me say, I know it probably seems like I'm complaining a lot lately but I'm not! Really! Kay? I'm just venting...there's a difference. So, like I was saying: I swear. Between the job grind, caring for the sunshine, maintaining my sanity, taking care of other grown up things like uh...I dunno BILLS and paperwork...is it me or do you aquire more paperwork the older you get? And making sure I don't slow down on my "marketing campaign" for the baby line and the production of product all while trying to keep worrying at bay...it's a little like riding a bike while juggling with a plate on your head.

Wow. Well, I don't think I have mush else to say and I'm a little anxious right now to hurry up continue by obligations. That will make me feel like I'm making progress too.

Thanks for listening...again.

U go sleepy! And other babble

2006-09-28T03:42:00.000-07:00

...I should be sleeping. But what else is new. The only reason I stay up after the baby is because it's "my time". Now I think I've taken it too far. I fall asleep on the couch, wake up at 2am, feed the baby, she goes back to sleep, I go back to the couch thinking I'm going to finish x-files or ...something, fall asleep again, wake up at 4am, then go to bed. ...Only to wake up by 9 or 10am, only today we woke up at 11:45. That's not good. I have too many things to do to be doin that. And I couldn't believe the baby slept that long with me! Needless to say tonite was not so good. I think it threw off her afternoon nap and then she wouldn't finally go to sleep until about eleven tonite...she was a bit fussier than usual but then she just chilled and played in her crib. Maaan...

Yeah...it's probably safe to say I've officially reached a baby limit sort of. Obviously my options for "relief" are limited. But I will say that it's probably time to be a bit more proactive about creating some balance. I'm actually looking forward to working outside the home now. Soon I won't be able to socialize with adults! ...hell, I probably can't now! It's all wierd. I mean, if they don't coo and laugh at random things, demand that I feed them, change them or entertain them, god forbid they just wanna talk. Cause then oh, hey, uh....I can't communicate with the likes of you. I have to say, I think I've done pretty well being that I'm with baby 98% of the time. Okay, 99%...fuck it, 100% of the time. I would have expected that I'd have gone crazy much sooner but, I'm hangin on. And of course she's still precious, I mean jeez. It's funny what you can do when there's really no other option. I don't think I even paid attention to it until the pediatrician was like, "what about you?...are youuuu...okay?" After that she kind of alluded to the fact that because I was a single parent, that was a big deal --and it probably is however. Here comes the however which is, when you don't have any other option, you do what you must. There's no room for me to fall apart HOWEVA!...If there was some don't think I wouldn't take full advantage of it.

Tomorrow I have my "Strong Women" meeting. Can I just say I'm sooo looking forward to it moreso than I ever have? Just to socialize with some other women, get my free dinner that I don't have to cook and just chat. They offer free child care too but of course the little one is too young to go in there. But if she were????? Oh yeah...I'd be takin advantage of that too. Enough about that...

Today I kinda slacked on the resume action. I did finish editing the wedding pics in time for my photo partner to come and pick them up. He was impressed which was nice. I got one load of laundry done....I only told N.J. to go to her crate five times instead of five hundred...Oh! I did manage to make dinner that didn't come from a box again: "Chicken Fried" Portabella mushrooms and potatoes...but I got to tired to cook a vegetable...aaaaand um, I only ate two cookies instead of three. ...Oh and there was love. And the Sunshine of course. There.

Stay tuned for part two of this post titled: "Am I interesting anymore? Mmm, not so much".

Good nite...I mean Good day.

...Not so nice

2006-09-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

Isn't it ironic that I just posted about how nice things were? Well, how quickly things change. Today things are... not so nice. Yesterday I had to get really ugly and dramatic with the baby daddy to say the least and I reeeeaally didn't wanna do it, however I felt I had no other choice. Without going into details, I don't regret what I did, but I just hate that I had to go "there" at all. Things are at place where I don't think my peaceful approaches are working. Or should I say haven't been for over a year. They just cause me more stress because I've swallowed a lot trying to kkep peace for parentings sake and that's old now. Apparently Ramadan starts today I think. I'm praying that he will have an epiphany during this time and be more focused. Perhaps he will understand my dissatisfaction with some of his recent behaviors and what i consider disrespect. ...Okay I'm probably asking too much...

On brighter note, there is still love, no icream, but there is Sunshine! That's good. I've got lots of work to do but i think the weather and my mindstate are slowing my progress a bit. I gotta shake it all off. Hopefully tomorrow will be better (c) Annie.

...Nice

2006-09-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Okay...first before I begin, can I point out that Julio Iglesias is singing, 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' on Dancing with the Stars??? ...Yeah. A little strange. ...Not horrible, just ...strange.

Lately, things are nice. Just nice. Granted they could always be better but for now, they're nice. Last week was the first time I hit one of the baby boutiques to see if they were interested in my line, and they were. The owner was so nice it was...nice! After she told me what she wanted to order, she loaded me up with all of this fabric she didn't need (nice stuff too), offered all kinds of ideas, mother stories....just nice. It was good. So yesterday I hit another baby boutique, and that was good too! She was interested more in consignment which was fine. Not my first choice but not bad either. She too was extremely nice. Maybe people in baby retail are sweeter than adult retail, I dunno. But we talked for a long time. ...Shared birth stories, --she also has a five month old. It made me feel good. After that I went and picked up the Sunshine and headed for home. And today? Well we stayed in but my greatest accomplishment of the day was cooking an entire meal! Ginger greens, yams, zucchini cornbread and beans and rice. AND Rasberry ice tea! When is the last time I did that? Geesh.

I also managed to research some other baby boutiques out of state and order shirts to begin my order for my first baby boutique. I've also taken on the task of trying to de-clutter my home. Pack away maternity wear, things like that. I'm not sure what else to say other than, it feels like some sense of balance is approaching and I'm thrilled about that. There is creativity, their is friendship, there is love, there is innocence and laughter, and there is always ice cream...what more do I need right now? Oh yeah, money.

...Eh. I'm gettin' to it, I'm gettin to it.

The Simple Things....

2006-09-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Obviously today is September 11th and honestly, I've chosen to not venture outside of BRAVO in regard to my television watching. I really don't want to watch any replays of planes hitting the towers or anything. It was so sad and depressing then, it was like living under a dark cloud for a while and I don't want to do that. I suppose I should be thankful I have that option because I'm sure many families of the vicitms wish they they did.

I didn't realize I hadn't posted in so long, I've been really busy. I've finally finished my marketing/press kit package for my baby line! Whew! That seems like it took forever. It was started before the baby came and I'm just now getting it done. This week the grind begins to some baby boutiques. I feel really good about things, but here's hopin' they are receptive. I'll keep you posted on that venture.

Yesterday my photog. partner and I shot our first wedding. I think it went really well, however it 's the first time I've encountered "photo hecklers". I know, you're probably like, "???" Yes, I said photo hecklers. People that have had too many drinks before the couple has even been introduced as Mr. and Mrs. and stand on the side lines heckling the couple while they try to pose for their wedding photos. Okay, it was kinda funny...for like three minutes. Then it just became annoying. The wedding was nice though, simple but very elegant. The bride was EXTREMELY calm which I thought was cool. My photog. partner was surprised to find out his father was the officiant at the wedding...that was wierd. We haven't even had a chance to debrief about that.

What was really special was that, for whatever reason, people kept talking to me about the bride, telling me what kind of person she was, etc. It was so sweet because as the photographer, you only get to spend that time with them in addition to meeting with them to discuss what they want, and what they got. Anywhoo, the hairdresser was talking to me about her, then when we were about to leave, her mother thanked us for our services. While she was commenting on how tired she was, she added that she was just happy it was over and that her daughter was happy.

"This is what she's wanted for as long as I can remember...to be a wife and a mother. People would always say, 'She's too smart to just want to be a wife and a mother' but I tell them, that's what she wants to be a - wife - and - a - mother. Yes, she is smart but she doesn't want to be an engineer, my baby wants to be a wife and a mother".

Now I'm sure one could start the debate on how a woman needs to have more than that. But that's not the point here. What was so beautiful to me was the acceptance from her mother. That was her baby, that's what she wanted to be and that was okay. As long as she was happy. It made me think about my own mom that still wants desperately for me to join the masses of corporate america. Who every week has a new job listing for some corporate job that has nothing to do with who I am, not to mention in a field that I probably have NO experience in. It drives her crazy that I don't wanna go climb up the corporate ladder. Eeeew.

When I was a kid, I got to the cook books as soon as I could follow instructions in an attempt to master the art of baking. My mom was so proud because I was really good to be so young! When I was six I pleaded with her to teach me how to iron, so she did. A little older, and learned to sew from my Step mom and thought the fact that she could decorate cakes was soo cool. That's what interested me, domestic affairs. And what's really wrong with that??? It's so sad that we live in a place that doesn't really value the roles of domestic engineers. It's serious work I'm sure. ...Excuse me, a serious career. And I'm happy for the bride! I really hope everything works out for her. After we meet about her pics, I'll probably never see her again but I'll be rooting for her silently because at least she followed her heart and never waivered as opposed to allowing others to "paint her picture" the way they felt it should look. And kudos to her mom as well for seeing who her daughter is and accepting her just like that.

Oh well, I'm glad I got a chance to chat...I must go return some equipment now. I was on my way until the Sunshine crashed and I didn't want to disturb her. Hope all is well with you guys!

...Nevermind dream translators

2006-08-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how when you start asking for clarity or open yourself up to certain things in life, the universe never fails to answer. Lately I've opened myself up to healing around a lot of different things that were going on pre-baby but never really dealt with until now.

(Sigh)....deep.

I say all of that to say, nevermind dream translators...I think I figured the dreams out. I asked for clarity...and got it.

The human mind is amazing, isn't it???

Calling all dream translators....

2006-08-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so...I keep this dream journal right? I'm not that good at writing in it every morning like I'm supposed to, but I also don't remember my dreams every morning either. From time to time, I go back to the journal to see if I can make sense of the dreams if I haven't already but there are two that kind of have me stumped, but for some reason I feel like they are important....maybe you can help?

So every now and then, I have the most interesting soundtracks to my dreams. I feel like the music plays an important part, but I can't always figure it out so I'm going to share them with you guys hoping one of you may have some insight. Or maybe we can just all put our heads together for clarity:
Dream #1: July 2006
Dreamt about this musician named Yami Bolo. I kept telling these ladies from this group I belong to, that they really needed to pick up his CD. Throughout my dream, this Rod Stewart song was playing LOUD but all I kept hearing was the chorus "...wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you!" I thought for a minute maybe I was supposed to be Maggie. These kids were lining up to see this parade and one little boy had a dog named Maggie. "Maggie! You are a nut basket!" he told her. I laughed because I felt like he spoke to Maggie the way I speak to N.J....
Now, the funny thing is with this dream, I never knew anything about Yami Bolo or whether it was even a real person until I went online and found out. But otherwise, I've never heard his music...nothin.

Dream #2 January 2006
...I was with a group of people, there was one white male in the group and he says, "I'd never want to spend the nite in this church...cause I don't wanna bleed". Ironically there was this Elvis song playing in the background. I don't know the name of the song, I just know the words go something like, "I can't hold back...I won't..(don't know the rest). Then before you know it, he did exactly what he said he wouldn't do --started bleeding ...emotionally.

(Sorry for the color here, I messed something up)

I know that's not much, and actually I think I know what that one was about but I share it because it wasn't until recently that I found out the name of the song and the lyrics and once I read them, it was kind of interesting.

Where do these songs come from?? Cause I swear I don't know the lyrics in my waking life. If I were to make a 'SunshineMama Dream CD', it would be quite diverse!

Any dream insite? Any a'tall? ...good dream story?

Do tell...

Stupid McNupid

2006-08-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am a complete- and - total - dumbass. Truly. I don't even wanna tell ya'll why. But hell, I'll open myself up for whatever, why not?!

Today, while my child was asleep on my bed, then woke up and was doing her wake-up cooing...she fell off. I AM A TOTAL JACKASS. Especially because I was finishing up something and something said, "you better go in there and check on her" and I put it off for just a few more seconds...almost done..."hold on babeeee!"

THUD!

Oh shit! I knew it, dropped everything and ran in the room and sure enough, the baby was on the floor. It took quite some time to calm her down. Of course I had to check her out make sure nothing was broken, cut, scratched...whatever. The whole time she was crying (because I swear that she can already talk, it's just her own language) I felt like she was saying, "Why did you do that????? That hurt meeeeee! If you would have just gotten your ass in here faster and greeted me like you always do when you hear me coo! That wouldn't have happened. Ow ow ow --fix it!!!!!"

I know, I'm unfit. Needless to say I held her so tight after that and tried to calm her down to the point where I risked suffocating her. (Sigh) ...thank god for boobs. That made her feel better after a while to the point where she fell asleep probably from the shock and trauma. Don't worry, I didn't put her back in my bed this time and she appears to be safe and sound.

After we both calmed down, it was too much for me so you know I had to blame somebody. Hey, the dog looks like a good candidate:
"Damnit N.J. why didn't you watch baby! You're supposed to be watching the baby, not in there snoozin'. I swear, you are useless. ....dang".

Please don't call social services, I promise I'll do better...really.

Seriously, though, I think that was my red flag to slow down, breathe and center myself. I don't need a louder warning.

peace

Daaayum, Daaayum, Daaayum!

2006-08-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. Are they serious? Are you guys watching this?

(sigh) Today I watched more than ten minutes of Flavor of Love. ...I don't know what to say? I'm speechless, I'm disgusted, ARGH!!!!

First of all, why do the girls have to have those stupid nicknames, ..."Somethin", "Buckwild"? What's happening? I've tried, but I just don't see the humor in it.

I was disgusted when "Somethin" took a dump on the G'damn floor! What's happening???
I was disgusted from the beginning watching all of these girls play themselves for who?...uh, Flava Flav? I was done when he stood there barking orders while holding a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in one hand and devouring a leg with the other!!!! That's it, I'm sorry, are we all looking at the same thing? And are times really that hard? This has to be about the publicity. It can't be about the man. Now I'm not saying that Flav doesn't have a big heart, but for cryin out loud could he have some decency? He is settin us back in a major way. Why don't we just call him Flava "Stepin Fetchit" Flav, don't sugar coat it! Let's just call a spade a spade! I can't even allow myself to think about these episodes long enough to provide you with a thorough recap of the buffoonery.

Hell, who am I? Maybe I shouldn't knock the hustle. Hustle on flav.
But I can't watch. ...you?

Back on the Blog!

2006-08-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute, yeah???? I'm back finally! Well, after the last series of drama on the old blog page, we are starting anew. Things are good, positive and peaceful so there are no complaints on this end, just busy. Sunshine keeps growing and growing and growing! Taking on a little PT j.o.b. and you know what that means? Someone has to watch the little one and I'm not looking forward to that. But that's a whole other chapter. Projects are beginning to take off and that's great, so....

I've missed blogging ya'll! It was so therapeutic, but the time away was good because I gave some much needed attention to my hand written journals. It tends to get neglected when I spend lots of time here. Uh...and I totally lost my train of thought so I will post and be more organized with my thoughts later.

Oh, but I do need your help with something. I know there are only a few of you that read this page, but I need a new blog name. Sunshine Mama is okaaay, but, I think I need something more creative. So for those of you that followed the previous blog and feel like you have some insite...can you give some suggestions? Then we'll take a vote...or maybe we'll just leave it like it is. Who knows.

I hope all is well with you guys!

LOVE . LOVE . and more LOVE!

2006-07-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

This is a test. I repeat, this is only a test.